Page 28 of Beyond the Blues
“It was Coco’s favourite colour, and I guess I’ve just grown to love it.” I shrug, fiddling with my shell necklace again. I remember Coco saying if she ever passed away, she’d have to have a very blue funeral, flowers, invites, dress code, the lot.
*
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CHAPTER 15
Five Months Ago
I flatten down my baby blue dress and sit down at the front of the pews, staring at the array of blue flowers at the front. Alongside a collage of photos of Coco, in particular, I notice the one with me and her laughing very hard at something. If I remember right, it was because we witnessed someone falling over in front of us. I know it shouldn’t be funny, but being with Coco made everything funny, even when it wasn’t meant to be. One look at each other and it would be over. We’d be cackling in a room of silence. My eyes well up, knowing she was so happy there and now I’m here at her funeral, because she was so unhappy she took her own life. The music for her funeral begins, ‘Forever Young’ by Alphaville plays, and the entire room seems to burst into tears. She made such a difference to every person she met, whether she played a big role in their life or not. I try to keep my eyes to the front, because if I see her coffin too soon, I fear I won’t make it out of here alive. I’m afraid I’ll cry so hard I’ll stop breathing. Then it appears in my direct eyesight, the coffin holding my best friend. It’s smaller than I expected. Surely she can’t fit in there. She’s in there. The gates open and tears stream down my face, my breath barely there and my eyesight blurry. The music muffles in and out, but all I can think about is that my best friend is dead. I feel my mum beside me pulling me into her side, and I fall into her effortlessly. I have no more strength to comfort myself. The funeral goes past in a blur, I barely lift my head from my mothers chest, until Coco’s mum, Susan, comes up to me. I look up at her, her eyes puffy and that gentle smile that’s so familiar to Coco’s.
“She loved you so much darling.” Susan says, clasping my hand. If she loved me so much, why’d she leaveme? Losing someone in such a way leaves you feeling all kinds of emotions, anger, guilt, confusion, the list goes on. I’ll feel angry for a moment, wondering why she did it and didn’t reach out but then I remember it’s not that easy. Then I’m angry at myself for not noticing, for remembering all the times she wanted to speak to me about something but changed her mind and I just let her. If I could, I’d grab her shoulders and shake her, begging her to talk to me.
“I know it’s difficult, but if you want to share a couple words, we’d really
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appreciate it.” Susan says, and although my anxiety wants to stay here and just cry, I will do it for Coco’s parents. I drag my feet up to the front, the other people staring at me. A sea of tears, tissues and black clothing. Coco wanted blue, but it seems to have been forgotten about. I feel out of place wearing blue and feel the need to address it.
“Hi, so, I’m wearing blue because that was Coco’s favourite colour.” The silence is overwhelming and I’m unsure what to say. There’s no words to describe my best friend. There’s no words to describe how beautiful, caring and kind she was. There are definitely no words to describe how much I miss her.
“I met Coco on my first ever day of school, I was alone and she was the only person to come over to me. Then since that day it was as if we were bonded together, inseparable. It was always ‘where’s Coco?’, ‘How’s Coco?”, and it feels funny that I haven’t been asked that question since she’s been gone. I don’t really know what to say, other than-” my voice breaks and I look over to her coffin.
“I miss you, and I don’t know how I’ll do life without you.” That’s all I can muster up before I start sobbing again. My cries are loud in the silent room. I walk over to her coffin and lay my upper body on top, imagining I’m hugging Coco and not a wooden box. My tears puddle on top of it, and I want to stay here forever, let myself rot away just so I can be with my best friend.
*
We finish our shopping trip with a walk along the beach. The sun is setting perfectly, pink and orange hues spreading across the sky.
“The view is so beautiful, I can’t believe I’m here,” I say staring out at the sea.
“It really is beautiful.” Nora says. When I turn to look at her and she’s already looking at me. I love you. I think. My heart is telling me I love her, but my head is telling me to be rational. You barely know this person. But I feel like I know her. You know that feeling where you’ve not known someone for that long but it feels like it’s been years? That’s me with Nora.
“I know this is last minute, but I’ve got a surprise for you.” Nora admits.
“What is it?” I ask, narrowing my eyes at Nora.
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“I don’t think you understand the concept of a surprise.” Nora laughs and holds out her hand for me to take. I take her hand and we walk further along the beach before she stops me.
“I need you to cover your eyes.” Nora says.
“Are you going to throw me into the sea?” I laugh, totally clueless about what she’s doing.
“No, that’s after the date, silly.”
“So it’s a date?”
“When’s it not a date with you, Ophelia.” Nora places one hand on my eyes, the warming musky vanilla scent wafting to my nose already. Her other hand wrapped around my waist, guiding me carefully. I attempt to listen out for clues, but all I can hear are the waves crashing and the local nightlife.
“You ready?” Nora’s voice sounds giddy. I nod. Nora takes her hand off my eyes, revealing a boat on the edge of the deck. A well-dressed man is standing at the edge, smiling at me with a bottle of wine ready to welcome me.
“Shut up!” I squeal, turning to face Nora. Nora nods her chin back to the boat.