Page 39 of Beyond the Blues
“But there’s something else I must confess.” My mum says so quietly it’s almost inaudible. She pulls a creased letter out of her trouser pockets and hands it to me. When I look at the front, my heart instantly drops. It’s my name… in Coco’s handwriting.
“Wh- what is this?” I stutter.
“It’s the letter Coco wrote to you before she passed.” I feel anger bubble up inside me. How dare she keep this hidden from me for months? I would spend hours crying, wishing she left me a letter, and she did. My eyes instantly well up, making everything around me blurry.
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BEYOND THE BLUES
“Get out.” I say, not looking at my mum.
“Please, let me explain.”
“Explain what? Explain how you kept my best friend’s suicide note TO ME, hidden?” I yell, feeling as if I’m spitting out venom.
“I didn’t think you could take it back then!” My mum yells louder.
“So you do it now? Get out.” I try to keep my voice lower, because I currently feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode.
“Ophelia.” My mum says, before her words blur out into just sound, no words, just noise. I’m so angry at her, and so scared to read this. My heart is beating so fast, I fear it will explode out of my chest any second. I feel sick.
“FUCK OFF!” I scream, louder than I’ve ever done before. My mum jumps and stares at me blankly. I hear my dad run up the stairs and stomp towards my door. Before he even has time to speak, my mum ushers him out, not saying another word to me. The door clicks, and I let myself collapse into a puddle of tears. I stare down at the letter in between my fingers, my name in my best friend’s handwriting. I put the paper to my nose and smell, and instantly all the memories of her room come running back to me. The paper has a soft scent of coconut and vanilla, just like Coco’s room. She always picked coconut scented things to ‘match’ her name. She thought it was funny. I open the envelope carefully, trying not to rip any part. I pull the piece of paper out and unfold it. There it is.
To Ophelia.
I don’t think you’ll ever know how sorry I am. I know this is going to hurt, and I wish I could spare you from the pain. The day I met you, I knew you’d be my best friend and oh boy, was I right. You have been my rock through everything, never leaving my side and always making me laugh until I can’t breathe. I thank you for that.
I don’t want you to think this was your fault or you could’ve stopped this, because you couldn’t. I’ve been hiding this for years because I never wanted to weigh you down with my struggles. I can’t keep fighting these battles in my head, day in, day out. It’s sucking the life out of me. I didn’t do this because I had nothing to live for.
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CHAPTER 22
I did this because I couldn’t keep living in this pain. Please remember, you were the best thing in my life and without you; I don’t know if I would’ve made it this far.
Please keep living freely and wildly, because you deserve all the happiness and love the world can offer you.
Don’t let this lead you to the same darkness that took me. Find peace in knowing
I’m in a better place now, and I’ll always be by your side every step of the way.
Never stop watching Mamma Mia. Sing those songs for me. Live for both of us.
I’m sorry.
I love you
Coco x
I stare down at the piece of paper in front of me. My emotions are circling my mind frantically. I thought Coco had never written me a letter. I spent this year devastated by the fact she didn’t say goodbye to me, when in fact she did. My mum hid it all this time, without telling me. The thought of even speaking to my parents right now is boiling my blood. I don’t even know if I can stay in the house with them right now. Impulsive, I grab my phone and look at how much it would be to change my flight to this evening, and surprisingly, the fee is low. So I do it. I drag my suitcase out of my closet and shove a load of clothes in there. I don’t really have time to stop and think about what my outfit plans are. Once I’ve shoved everything I can think of into mysuitcase, I zip it up and get into a tracksuit. I’ve got to be comfy if I am about to be on a ten-hour flight.
I drag my suitcase down the stairs and my mum is sitting on the sofa blubbering to my dad, who’s reassuringly stroking her back. They both look up as my suitcase hits the floor.
“And where are you going?” My dad asks, standing up and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Las Vegas, flights in four hours.” I say bluntly, pushing all my emotions down just till I leave.
“What? You said it was in two days.” Mum says, panicked.