Page 110 of PS: I Hate You

I still haven’t told him and Tula about my travel buddy.

At first, I simply didn’t want to acknowledge Dom’s existence. If they knew I was making the trips with Josh’s best friend, they’d ask about him every time I got back. It was easier to distract them with souvenirs and descriptions of the destinations.

Then, when I realized how much Dom still affected me, I didn’t want to bring him up to Jeremy and Tula because I’d have to give them the whole backstory. A tale that at its core is just a naive nineteen-year-old falling for the wrong guy. They’d be sympathetic, but in the end they would have advised me to find a way to move on from him.

Iknewthat already.

Or maybe they would have told me I had every right to be pissed off, which also seemed terrible because then I’d have to admit what Dom did was truly horrendous.

I didn’t want to be told what I felt was wrong, but I also didn’t want to be told what I felt was right.

I just…didn’t want to think about him.

Now, though, I don’t know how to talk about Dom after keeping him a secret for so long.

How do I tell my amazing friends I’ve been lying to them since the day my brother died?

The Maddie solution: I don’t.

Real fucking mature.

But as hot as things currently burn between me and Dom, I figure they will snuff out when the fuel of our shared task is done. We’ll help each other through these final trips, and then after Alaska we’ll move on from my brother’s death, and we’ll move on from each other. I’ll send Dom the occasional check-in text the way Josh would have wanted, and it’ll be good.

All good. I’msogood.

But also, currently, I’m dying on the gym floor.

“You’re doing great, Maddie! Now, why don’t you run a few miles and call it a day,” Jeremy hollers over the repetitive slap of his sneakers on the belt.

“Fuck you,” I whimper, offering my mature response as I sprawl like a starfish on the floor of our condo’s gym. “If I do any more, I’ll have to crawl to my apartment.” I may have to anyway. My legs no longer have muscles in them. Only the insubstantial ghosts of what used to be.

“Fine.” My friend points to the space near the entrance that’s clear of machines and weights and has extra padding on the ground. “Go through your stretches so you don’t cramp up tomorrow. I’ll be off in ten.”

I groan my response, then decide to logroll my way to the stretching mat instead of forcing myself to stand. Who cares if I look like a human-sized slug? Jeremy and I have the place to ourselves.

“That doesn’t look like stretching,” Jeremy scolds ten minutes later when he finds me in the same position.

“It’s corpse pose.”

“You’re going to be a corpse if you don’t let me or Tula come on this hike with you,” he mutters, while scooping up one of my heels and helping me stretch my leg.

“I’ll be fine,” I gasp as I try to relax my tight glutes. “It’s a well-hiked path. Other people will be around.” Including Mr.Overly Protective and Always Prepared.

“So, you’ll let strangers rescue you, but not your best friends?” Jeremy gives my other leg the same treatment.

I scowl. “Maybe I don’t want to hike with someone who thinks I need saving.” The words come out in a harsh snap I immediately regret. “Sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“No,” Jeremy cuts me off. “You’re right. I shouldn’t baby you. Or try to push my way onto your trip.” He resettles my leg on the ground, then sits cross-legged beside me. “I just want you to ask for help if you need it.”

I exhale deeply, trying to force my unreasonable animosity out with the air. “You are helping. That’s why I asked you to come with me today.” I wave around the gym.

“I’m glad you did. We can make it a regular thing.”

I let out a pathetic groan that earns a chuckle.

“How’s your life?” I press, trying to get the focus off me and my upcoming trip.

Jeremy narrows his eyes, clearly seeing my topic change for what it is. But he’s kind enough to let me get away with it. Jeremy leads me through a series of stretches as he chats about the website redesign committee he’s been assigned to at his job and the Caribbean cruise he plans to surprise his boyfriend with for their anniversary.