Page 117 of PS: I Hate You

Dear Maddie & Dom,

Welcome to Idaho!

Oh, Idaho, how did I overlook you? So many mountains. So much deep powder to ski down. And those views…

You see one now, right? I hope you do. Maddie, if you made the hike to the coordinates I left, I’m so proud of you. I know it’s far, but I also knew you could do it.

And if you didn’t, I’m still fucking proud of you because you don’t have to climb a mountain to be amazing. But one day I hope you do because you deserve to see all the beautiful places in the world.

Assuming that you’ve both made it to Alpine Lake, it’s time for my dreaded task! Don’t worry, I’ve already made you hike miles, so I’ll keep this one easy.

Tell each other what you hope your future looks like. What do you dream for yourself?

This is one of the things that made my diagnosis suck so much in the beginning. I lost my will to hope.

I found it again, and now my future isn’t a faraway thing. It’s tomorrow and the next day. Next week and maybe next month if I’m lucky.

But I still have dreams for those futures. Still have hopes.

And they’re coming true. Mostly because I speak up now. I ask for what I want.

So, tell each other your perfect futures. Say them out loud.

And help each other make them come true.

Love,

Josh

P.S. Don’t forget to take a picture for me and leave me among the trees.

I huff a frustrated laugh. What is it with Josh wanting me to crack myself open time and time again. Isn’t it enough that I have to deal with knowing each read letter is a step closer to his final words?

Dom clears his throat and I glance up at the tall man, framed in sunlight that sets the few lighter strands on his head to blazing.

“I can go first,” he offers. “If you need time to think.”

Truthfully? I do. If I want to say something other than…

My perfect future has my brother in it, but that’s not going to happen, so I guess the rest of my life is shit.

“Go for it.”

My body leans toward his, as if my cells want to know his answer. To melt this secret piece of Dom knowledge into the very makeup of my being.

He nods, gazing out over the pristine water before turning back to me.

“My perfect future has you in it.” Dom’s eyes hold mine, and I lose my breath again, but not because of the climb. The intensity of his stare holds me transfixed. Then his hands cup my face, and he tilts my chin at the perfect angle to deliver a soft kiss. “Happy birthday, Maddie.”

I should’ve known he would remember. He has the day programmed as the lock on his safe, after all.

Today is my birthday. A day that my brother always sought to make special for me even if all he could afford was my favorite bag of candy from the local gas station. This day, a year ago, I was in a dark pit of misery that was only growing deeper after I cut off contact with my mother.

But today? This day is special again.

Because of my brother and his best friend.

I fully face Dom and press up on my toes, fisting my fingers in his moisture-wicking shirt to drag him down to me. Our mouths meet with a slow burning that ends with tangled tongues and both of us breathing heavy on each other’s air. Eventually, I break away only so I don’t have to take another dose of my inhaler to survive this man. Still, we hold on to each other, and I finally fulfill the requirements.