Page 131 of PS: I Hate You
“You did?” My throat tightens, and I palm my inhaler in my sweatshirt pocket. I don’t trust my lungs to function in emotional situations.
He throws me a rueful smile. “In case it wasn’t obvious, I used to be slightly obsessed with you, Maddie Sanderson.” He grimaces. “A Perry trait, turns out.” Before I can think of a response to that, Adam shakes his head and continues. “But when Dom realized how serious I was, he sat me down and told me it was his fault you left. That he pissed you off and did something unforgivable, and you didn’t want to be around him.” Adam rubs his thumb over his bottom lip in an agitated gesture. “I was livid. I didn’t speak to him for a month. But I never blamed you.”
My whole body aches at his admission. “You should have. Even if I was mad at Dom, I shouldn’t have cut you both out, too. I shouldn’t have left…” I trip over the realization as I say it but keep speaking anyway. “I shouldn’t have left you.”
Fucking hell.Ileft.
I did to Adam and Carter what everyone in my life had always done to me.
Adam reaches over to take my hand, giving my fingers a gentle squeeze. “Dom never told us what he did to piss you off, but I can guess. And he did it again, didn’t he?”
He chose Rosaline over me.
At least, that’s how it felt when I was standing in the peacock bedroom all alone and he said her name. Said he wasn’t coming, and it was because Rosaline needed him attheirhouse.
“I’ll answer your calls,” I say instead of answering Adam’s question. “And your texts. I swear. And I’ll visit you. I want to come see your workshop.” He told me about the studio space he’s renting, and I bet it’s full of amazing creations and smells like freshly cut wood.
Adam squeezes my hand again. “Cool. I’d like that. And you can come with me to cheer onhisslow ass at his next swim competition.” Adam throws a thumb toward his twin in the back seat. “But we’re talking about you.”
I flick my eyes to the rearview mirror and meet Carter’s gaze. Sometimes he’s so quiet I could forget he’s back there.
But I never do.
“How’s life, Carter?”
The corners of his eyes crinkle in a knowing smile. My attempted subject change was kind of obvious.
“Okay. Trying to figure out if Adam and I need to Saran Wrap Dom’s car.”
I groan and let my head drop to the dashboard, bombarded with bittersweet memories of the Perry prank antics.
“Don’t do that. Dom technically didn’t do anything wrong. Not this time anyway. I just…” I suck in a shuddering sigh. “We were starting something. And I realized it’s a bad idea.”
“Why?” Adam asks, the question slightly garbled because the temptation of Taco Bell was too much, and he’s taken another bite of his burrito.
I shrug. “We don’t work. For a lot of reasons.” Mainly mine. I’m the problem.
“Does being with Dom make you happy?” Adam asks, like that’s the simplest question to answer.
“Being with Dom makes me…” So many different things.
Happy. Aggravated. Exhilarated. Angry. Giddy.
But mostly…terrified.
“Spending time with Dom made it clear we won’t work,” I finally land on. “And that’s okay.”Please let me be okay. Let me survive this.“But that’s between your brother and me. It doesn’t affect how I feel about you two. It shouldn’t have back then. And I won’t let it now.”
I make sure to meet both their eyes in turn. “Thank you for coming. Really. Thank you for not giving up on me.”
Adam reaches over to squeeze my knee. Carter does the same to my shoulder, then leans forward, shoving his shoulders between our seats and pressing buttons on the screen until he connects his phone to the car Bluetooth.
“Since Adam picked the food, we pick the music.”
It’s an old refrain that has my heart clenching in nostalgic joy. A moment later, theWickedsoundtrack starts up and Carter cranks the volume. Adam groans at first, but it’s not long before he’s belting out about defying gravity along with us.
As we eat greasy food and pretend we’re Broadway stars, the pressure in my chest eases, and the emptiness…Well, it doesn’t disappear.
But the gaping hole of sadness lessens. Just a touch.