Page 136 of PS: I Hate You

“Well, what’s there to keep you from making it again? What’s to keep you from realizing your divorce was some strange grief reaction to Josh’s diagnosis, and you and Rosaline actually belong together? You’re still in each other’s lives. She’s still probably the loveliest fucking human being on the planet.” My voice goes shrill, and my back digs into the counter because I’ve retreated as far as I can from him. “Meanwhile I’m the weird girl who spends most nights doing puzzles and talking to her dead brother and only smiles when I think my boss might see me. You are responsible, and caring, and loyal, and entirely too good-looking.” I gesture to him in all his beauty, then to me in my old sweater that now has a hole in the sleeve because I tugged a loose thread too much. “You being with me doesn’t make sense.” I wave around my tiny condo that he takes up too much room in. “I live here, you live on the other side of the country. We only seeeach other when we’re spreading ashes. Aka, emotionally fucked up. And those trips are done after this last one.” A jagged pain wrenches through my stomach at the thought.

One more message from Josh.

One last goodbye to my brother.

One more guaranteed time to see Dom.

But that’s only if he shows, of course.

“The two of us together is not the responsible choice.I’mnot the responsible choice. So how can I trust that you would make it? Because you can’t just do it once. You have to make the choice to be with me every single day. And I can’t deal with knowing that one day you might choose to go another way.” I force the words past my internal pain.

Then he’ll leave like everyone else does.

Dom’s expression waivers between emotions, making it impossible for me to decipher what he’s feeling. As if I ever could.

“You are weird,” he finally says, and I flinch. But he’s not done. “You’re so fucking weird, Maddie Sanderson. And I love it.” He runs an agitated hand through his hair, messing up the careful styling. “I love that half of your personality is puzzles and the other half is giving me shit. I love that you’re quiet sometimes, but your laugh is huge. I love that in spite of your mother and grandmother, you are kind. I love that there are times you let me take care of you even though you’re strong enough to stand on your own. All these years, I’ve never stopped loving you.” Dom takes a step toward me, then rocks back on his heels. “But I knew I’d ruined us. That even if Rosaline and I split, you were gone because I messed up. You’re right. Since I couldn’t be with the woman I wanted, I tried to do the responsible thing. To take care of Rosaline while we grieved what we lost. To commit to my marriage. But then Josh would mention your name, and I was done. He’d tell me one small thing about your life, and I’d fall all over again. You want to know why your birthday is the combination to my safe?” His eyes try to catch mine, but I stareat the framed puzzle of the Rocky Mountains over his shoulder instead, even as my body wants to lean toward his to better hear the answer. “Because I tried to literally lock thoughts of you away, too. It never worked. How I feel about you isn’t going away.”

My heart beats so hard it takes up precious space my lungs need.

Dom loves me.

I want it to be enough. But I know it’s not.

“I don’t trust you. I don’t trust anyone. I’m not built for this.”

“Built for what?” Dom gentles his harsh tone.

“Relationships. Loving someone. Relying on them.” I’ve found another loose thread and feel a kinship with this sweater. We’re both unraveling. “I don’t trust anymore. If I were with you, I would be afraid all the time. Love is so inconsequential now. People can love you and leave you. They do it every day.” I shake my head. “I can’t go through that again. I can’t worry about that every day.”

My whole life I’ve had to live through people turning away from me.

My father.

Cecilia.

Florence.

Dom.

“Maddie—”

“No. It’s not enough. Nothing is enough for me. I am broken.”

I don’t know when it happened. Maybe I’ve been breaking every day of my life. Little fractures that have slowly built into the shattering, and now I am simply pieces of a person that I have to hold together with my own will. Without the help of anyone else. Because how can I trust that their hold will remain? How can I trust anyone else to keep the pieces of me together?Ican’t even keep the pieces of me together.

Dom stares at me with something like devastation.

I can’t meet his eyes anymore. I can’t be around him anymore. I can’t have the temptation of his love mixing with the toxic fear thatis my constant distrust. I need him gone from my life. I need to sever this connection. I need to free Dom from me and myself from him.

“Alaska. I’ll start the planning. We’ll do the final state. We’ll say goodbye to Josh.” I suck in a deep breath. “And we’ll say goodbye to each other.”

“No.”

I ignore him. “This will fade when we’re not around each other anymore. When you don’t feel responsible for me. You’ll realize you want something different.” And I won’t be collateral damage when he does.

“No,” Dom repeats. “I’mnot the reason we’re over,” he says, reusing my earlier words. “I’m not going anywhere. Not now and not after Alaska. Plan it, or don’t. These trips aren’t the reason I’m still obsessed with you.” He stalks across the room toward me. “This distance between us is you pushing me away. Trying to make me leave you.” He looms once more, voice deep with warning. “Get this straight, Maddie. I won’t go.”

Anxiety transforms into defensiveness and makes me snap back.