Page 42 of PS: I Hate You

What would I do if I only had one day?

My eyes flick over to Dom. He’s caught up to the group, the shadowy form of him looming behind me. He has his head tilted up, gazing at the dots of light higher on the canyon walls, the strong column of his neck illuminated by the gentle glow of the moon sneaking through a crack in the ceiling.

I jerk my head away and give it a shake.

What I would do in a single day doesn’t matter. I have plenty of days. So many I would have been happy to divide them and give my brother a few. More than a few.

If I could have given Josh half my remaining lifetime, I would have.

Our group moves on, and I hear the pound of water falling over a cliffside.

“You all have been a great bunch! I hope you come back for a day hike to see a different version of the canyon,” the guide calls back to us.

Wait, we’re at the end?

I stop abruptly, and a large force knocks into my back, then grabs my shoulders to steady me.

“Maddie?”

I turn, feeling time and opportunity slipping away. “The tour is done. We need to spread the ashes.”

In the glow of my flashlight, I see Dom’s jaw firm and he gives a quick nod of his head.

Between our bodies, I pop the lid off the container. Then I click off my light, and Dom does the same. Darkness overwhelms us, but only at first.

Little pinpricks of light grow brighter as our eyes adjust. It feels like the stars are within arm’s reach.

“He said to leave him in the glow,” I whisper, not sure what else to say.

Dom offers a small grunt of agreement. “He’ll like it here. He’s a night owl.”

“True.” I’m thankful for the dark when my hands start to shake. And as much as I resent him, I’m also thankful for Dom in this moment. The way he just spoke about Josh existing in the present. In the future.

As if he believes my brother isn’t truly gone.

“Goodbye, Josh.” I tilt the container and let the particles of my brother spill onto the canyon floor.

Dom stays quiet, keeping vigil during one more of my goodbyes.

Chapter

Eleven

Adam:It opened! 0718. Want me to steal some stuff?

Adam:Jk

Adam:Or am I…?

Adam:Wait

Adam:Isn’t your bday July 18?

I sit in my car, staring at Adam’s last text.

He’s got a good memory.

Why would Dom use my birthday as the combination to his safe?