Page 46 of PS: I Hate You
Back then, I had no trouble crying, and I spent a lot of that last day at the pool wearing my extra-large sunglasses, holding a book in front of my face, and pressing a towel to my cheeks so no one would notice how tears were streaming from my eyes in a continuous flow.Adam and Carter were more quiet than normal on our final lunch run, and I didn’t even ask before pulling into the Taco Bell drive-through. Not that I tasted the chicken quesadilla even after dousing it in hot sauce.
We were back at the pool, me hiding my face again, when my lounge chair dipped. I dropped my book to find Adam had settled himself by my feet, a surly expression on his face.
“I don’t want to go to camp,” the kid declared, conveniently forgetting how a few weeks ago he wouldn’t shut up about all the adventurous activities he couldn’t wait for.
Camping! Hiking! Building fires! Swimming across the lake and back to impress the lifeguards!
“It’ll be fun,” I said with as much conviction as I could muster despite not wanting our summer to end, either, and knowing that if I had to attend an adventure camp, I would dread every minute of the experience.
Maddie Sanderson and her delicate lungs did not—and still do not—belong in the outdoors.
Adam didn’t respond, just frowned hard at the concrete beneath his feet and gave a surly shrug of his bony shoulders.
In that moment, I knew I had to tuck away my misery and be the responsible one. Adam refusing to go to camp at the last minute would be a major stressor on the Perry family, and my goal was to make their lives easier.
“Hey.” I’d extended my leg and poked him with my toe. “You know I can’t really do camp stuff, right? Because of my asthma.” Even if I could, I still wasn’t a camp girl, but Adam didn’t need to hear that.
He gave me a small nod, pool water from his hair dripping onto my towel.
“Well,” I continued in a wheedling tone, “I was looking forward to you going and telling me about it.”
Adam stared at me with those big brown eyes surrounded bydark lashes all the Perrys have. The teen looked like an adorable, hopeful puppy in that moment.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.” I poked him with my toe again, earning a reluctant smile. “I’m going to live vicariously through you, Adam Perry. Go have adventures. As many as you can. Then come home and tell me about them.”
His grin, the slow spread of it, was a beautiful thing. “Okay. I can do that.”
Then he stood, bent over me, and shook his head like a dog, showering me in pool water. Adam laughed almost as deep as his older brother when I squealed and threw my bottle of sunscreen at him. Then he ran off to rejoin his friends, his good humor restored.
Carter watched our exchange from across the pool deck, smile sad. That said it all.
I dropped my sunglasses enough so the quiet twin could see me roll my eyes. He chuckled and turned back to his friends.
The next day, I went with Dom and Mrs.Perry—who was finally walking on her own—to drop the twins off at the bus they were going to ride to camp. The boys hugged their mom and their brother. Then they each hugged me, and I could still smell chlorine in their hair and was shocked to realize sometime during the summer they’d both grown to my height.
Didn’t stop me from babying them by shoving extra bottles of sunscreen in their duffle bags as they pretended to groan. But neither of them had been locked outside by their grandmother when they were ten at the height of summer and gotten so sunburned on their arms and shoulders that their skin blistered and seeped puss for weeks.
No, they had people who loved and cared for them. And I was one of those people.
That was the last time I saw them before Josh’s funeral.
After we sent the twins off to camp, there was no reason for me to go to the pool anymore. I figured I’d spend the rest of my summerin the library, as per my original plan. But when we pulled into the Perrys’ driveway, Dom invited me inside. Emilia gave me a hug, then disappeared into the office she’d been using during the summer to keep up with paperwork—not even a life-threatening accident kept her away from her job for long.
Still in a sad daze of missing the twins, I didn’t realize at first that Dom had led me to the screened porch on the back of their house. I’d always adored the sitting space with its thick-cushioned seats, shaded from the direct glare of the sun and kept cool with lazy ceiling fans.
“Guess you’re glad to have more free time now,” Dom said, staring out at the backyard, his hands tucked deep in his pockets.
I tried for a smile but couldn’t manage more than a grimace. “I’m an evil mastermind who just lost two high-quality minions. ‘Glad’ isn’t the right word.”
His stoic mask broke with a twitch at the corner of his mouth. “Ah. So you’re the one who corrupted my brothers.”
“Of course.” My smirk came easy. “They were two perfect little angels before they met me.”
That earned me a snort, and I bit my lips to keep from smiling. For most of my life I struggled to form words around Dom. He was a brooding force of intimidation, and I wanted him to like me so much but had no idea how to make that happen. The only way I figured I could manage it was by not bothering him with chatter and continuing to be his best friend’s little sister. Maybe then, some of the love he felt for Josh would rub off on me.
But as we stood on that porch, I realized the dynamic between us had shifted in some indiscernible way. That how I felt around the man had changed. Maybe it was the maturity I’d cultivated in leaving home and attending a year of college. Maybe it was the fact that I’d helped his family over the summer instead of living off the Perrys’ charity.