Page 37 of A Tinsel Tale
“Suzy Jameson is definitely in the bad category,” she mutters.
“I remember that group of girls were all so jealous of you they couldn’t see straight.”
“Only because they were all crushing on you.” Evie gives me a warning kick under the table and Suzy walks by with coffee to refill the booth right next to us.
“Be right with you after I take table three’s order,” Suzy says to us.
We quickly study the menus and close them. Evie arches her brows at me in question. “Burger and fries,” I say.
“Me too, and a chocolate milkshake,” Evie says.
Suzy returns and takes our orders and I finally have Evie’s undivided attention again. I could look into her eyes all day long.
“Where were we?” I say.
“The part where you admitted what a jerk you were,” Evie says.
I lean forward and fold my hands on the table. “I’d pay a million bucks for a redo. It may sound lame but at the time, I truly believed I was doing what was best for you. In my own defense, I don’t believe I ever thought the breakup would be permanent. I swear. I never stopped loving you, but I knew you deserved a shot at your dream without me weighing you down. You were going places, Evie. You didn’t need an albatross like me hanging around your neck.”
Her lips twist. “For my own good? Right. Do you know how patronizing that sounds? I was devastated. I could hardly function. It was a set-up for failure. How in the hell could that have been what was best for me?”
I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I know that now.” Her eyes look huge in her face. I’m surprised to see they are brimming with unshed tears. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you like that.”
She takes in a ragged breath. She looks around before continuing in a low voice. “Jamie, there is something you don’t know. I never told another soul.” She chews on her bottom lip nervously.
I slide my hand palm up across the table and she grasps it. “What?” I ask.
“Right after I got to school, I was late with my period.” I freeze, knowing what’s coming but not wanting to know.
“I bought a pregnancy test right away, and it was positive.” A tear escapes and I reach across and wipe it away with my thumb.
I cast around for the right words and come up short. “And you couldn’t tell me.” I say quietly, my voice hoarse with regret. I scrub my face with my hand feeling like I’ve been sucker punched in the gut.
“You’d just told me you wanted to have freedom to explore… live your life. We were too young blah blah blah. You were still recovering from your injuries. Then I’m supposed to saddle you with a baby?”
“I didn’t mean any of it. It was all a lie. Fuck, Evie, what did you think? That I could really turn it off that fast?”
“I didn’t know what to think. I was too hurt to think.”
“Evie, I shouldn’t have said that. None of it was your fault. Why wouldn’t you take my word for it? I’m so sorry. I should have been there… I hate that you were all alone. What happened? Did you decide to terminate the pregnancy?”
“No! I wanted our child. I decided I’d finish the semester, drop out, take the year off and return to school after the baby was born.”
“Oh.” Not gonna lie, I’m gutted. I’m almost sick to my stomach. We’d always talked about having kids. I want to be a father in the worst of ways and just thinking that we lost a child, our child, is hard to hear.
“A couple of days after I took the test, I miscarried. I’d wrapped my mind around having this baby and was already picking out names and fantasizing about being a mom. Then another dream was ripped out from under me.”
“And here I was busy wallowing in my own fucking misery,” I say, defeated.
“I hated you back then. I felt like you’d ruined my life.” She shrugs one shoulder then reaches across the table and strokes my cheek. “Now, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before. I can see how shocked you are… hearing it for the first time, you’re probably feeling all those feelings of loss I had back then, like it just happened. Jamie, I need to say you can’t beat yourself up for something you didn’t know about. I was going to tell you back then. In fact, I had planned on coming home that weekend. Then, like that,” she snaps her fingers, “there was no reason to come home anymore.”
Suzy arrives carrying a round tray and places our burger platters in front of us. “Here you go,” she says.
Evie mumbles thanks, and I nod without looking at her. She sniffs loudly but gets the hint and leaves us alone again.
“I’ve kind of lost my appetite,” I say. “I can’t imagine you going through all that alone. I feel sick about it. We were going to have a baby,” I say numbly. My eyes sting and I pinch the bridge of my nose. “What did you do… I mean after?” The rasp in my voice doesn’t even sound like me.
“I buried myself in books and studying. I was pretty shut down for a long time. Then, I dated a little in undergrad, but in law school there was no time. I was running as fast as I could. I couldn’t let my losses catch up with me.” She shakes her head. “Did the same after Mom died.”