Page 21 of Fall From Grace

“Shh,” I tried to soothe him. “Where is she now?”

“Still at the hospital. Me and Dad just got home. She might get to come home tomorrow.” He leaned away from me, I watched in fascination and awe as he pulled himself back together after briefly falling apart in a way I had never seen before. “Do you care if I stay here and sleep tonight?”

I shook my head in reply and he walked over to the closet where I kept the covers he used to sleep with. “No, I want us to share the bed tonight.” I didn’t feel embarrassed or ashamed when I said it. I hadn’t meant the words to mean any more than what I said.

I crawled under the covers and patted the other side. He walked over to the bed, slipping off his shoes and jacket. “I won’t do anything,” he told me quietly as he slipped under the same covers as me.

I smiled into the darkness. “I know.”

If I said,touch me, Noah,I knew Noah would.

If I said,no, I knew Noah would listen.

If I said,I want you to kiss me,then decided I’d rather not, I knew Noah would accept that I changed my mind.

Because that was the kind of boy Noah was, and the kind of man he’d stay.

“I want to kiss you goodnight then maybe you can hug up to me while I fall asleep,” I whispered toward his darkened face. I couldn’t see but I felt and heard as he moved in to kiss me. His lips were dry this time around, and it made me wonder how little Noah drank and ate today.

When he pulled back away, he said, “Turn around and I’ll hold you.”

And he did. It started out as the most comfortable position, having his arms around me, but quickly became the worst. I was sure his arm was numb underneath my head because my neck was killing me yet I didn’t move because even though our bodies were uncomfortable, our souls were at ease.

Noah was gone before Mom woke me the next morning, like he always was.

Only this time, it was so much more different than all the times before… And it was only the beginning.

12

Grace age 13

Noah age 13

I feel like Mom’s going through a new change, a much scarier one than I’m used to. The doctors said her heart was too weak to handle much more but the very next day, she’s already reaching for the pill bottle, and begging Dad to go out and spend our last dollar on whatever drug she’s craving. I feel like my hands aren’t big enough to get a hold of this life and what’s happening with Mom. She needs help. I can’t help her. Dad doesn’t try to, and she certainly doesn’t want it. Instead, I think she’s begging to leave this world.

And she hates me for making her stay.

I want to be with Grace, but here is where I have to stay until I know she’s safe from herself again.

N.P.

Monday morning was another new beginning for Noah and me. Instead of sticking to our friends, we sort of just gravitated toward one another. I didn’t ask him to spend time with me at school, nor did he, but he stepped up to our table that morning and sat down with us. Sara and Tiffany held in their questions that I knew they’d save for later. With Noah there, Dustin and Mark also ended up with us. It was like that the entire day, in between our classes and at lunch, he chose to stay with me.

I wondered what we were now? Did kissing make him my boyfriend?

But Noah did something shocking that day. He quit the football team, something he loved. At first, I didn’t understand but as I stayed behind for cheer practice and he was walking out to catch his bus, he took my hand in his and leaned in to whisper, “I won’t get to see you until tonight, I don’t really want to leave my mom alone any more than I have to if she really came home today.” I nodded, and he left.

Noah was terrified of something happening to her. I wiped my forehead and tried to ease away this awful feeling but I couldn’t. Noah was scared, so I was too.

Noah didn’t come that night. He didn’t come to school the next morning, but he did come to see me the following night and I rushed to the window the moment I saw him. I had been watching for him like a hawk.

I probably saw wrong… I waited until he stepped into the room before I grabbed ahold of his face and looked closer. “You have a black eye,” I gasped.

He didn’t pull away, but he did try to shrug it off like it was no big deal. “She threw an ashtray at me when I wouldn’t let her take what she wanted, that’s why I didn’t go to school. I didn’t want anyone to report anything…”

“You quit the football to stay at home more, didn’t you?” He nodded. I tugged him toward my bed and flopped down but instead of sitting down next to me, he dropped down to his knees in front of me. “What are you…” He placed his chin on my knees and looked up. I smiled and ran my hand over his dirty blond strands. “You need a bath.”

“Do I stink?” He lifted his arm.