Page 30 of Fall From Grace

Life was all wrong. A terrible imbalance to what used to be. I’d adapt, but I’d never forget Noah or the way just the thought of him made me feel.

A week later, Mom found me in my room where she sat down on the bed and told me, “If Noah is the kind of boy you think he is and the kind of man I know he can be someday, then this will be nothing for him. He’ll be okay, he’s been taking care of himself his entire life. And if he’s meant to be a part of your life, he’ll make his way back when he’s able.”

At school, Tiffany asked, “Did you tell him you loved him?”

It was then I realized Noah and I never said that to each other once. It wasn’t something I ever had to hear him say, it was in the way he called me Priss, or in the way he always looked out for me, or in the way he scolded me when I did wrong and smiled at me differently than he did for everyone else.

Some things didn’t have to be said in order to be known.

I loved Noah, I thought he must know that the same way I knew that he loved me.

Without my parents’ permission, I would start to sneak over to Noah’s dad’s house and ask if he heard anything about Noah, in which the answer would always be no. I knew his dad didn’t care as much as I did, but that didn’t mean I wouldn’t stop bugging him.

Life without Noah was…

16

I’m welcomed into a stranger’s home. I lost everything within twenty-four hours. The couple that takes me in, I’m sure has heard all the dirty details since they are there to pick me up and take me to their home so quickly. I’m so angry. All this bottled up rage has slipped out now that Mom finally let go. Dad knew,he knew. The same way I did. The way she was searching for an end and he didn’t try and stop her.

This hateful person that I’m not, takes a hold of me. I lash out on the couple that takes me in. I keep expecting the curtains to fall and their peaceful smiles to warp into the reality that was my life…

______

All I can think about is getting in touch with Grace. I need to hear her voice. I wish she hadn’t come out that night. I wish my parents didn’t ruin even that part of my life, the one with her in it. I sink to the floor and cover my face with my hands. I’m crying, snot and all when I see Janet staring up at me from the bottom of the stairway. Her and her husband, Dean, are the ones that took me in. She’s always watching, always waiting, always smiling with a sorrowful expression as she watches me. I get up from the stairs and disappear into the room they gave me where I cry for Grace in private.

I’m not ashamed to cry. Grace is something worth crying for.

_____

I lash out some more. Dean and Janet are ever patient. It makes me feel horrible. But it also makes me afraid. I can’t be so lucky… not me… to end up with two people that actually care.

_____

I don’t know Grace’s number but it is easy to call up the school and ask to be transferred to her mom’s classroom… Only I don’t like the reality she gives me, but I accept it because I know it’s not going to change how I feel.

Nothing ever will.

_____

Dean and Janet… are good people. The nights where I couldn’t sleep in a stranger’s home slowly eased into being normal. My anger fades, but the hurt stays. I still miss the mom who wasn’t really one. I still think about the dad that I spent hating.

But my future is still there. I’ll make it because I’m not my parents. I’m not where I came from. Some people might say otherwise, but I’ll prove them wrong.

Life without Grace was… waiting to see her again.

N.P.

Part Two:

High School

17

Grace age 16

Noah age 17

I realize I can be no different than any other guy. I can hurt a girl without knowing, without caring. I had sex with a girl for the first time and it wasn’t Grace, but the entire time I was above her, it’s Grace who I wonder about, it’s Grace that I miss and crave as I explore and map her body, learning all the ways that make her feel good, learning all the ways that I’ll do to Grace. Then I slept with her a few more times until she wanted more. She wanted what I already gave to someone else a long time ago. She knew where my heart stood when she came onto me, but she tried at my heart anyway, so she was left crying when I walked away without much feeling at all.