Page 88 of Fall From Grace
“We should have brought her flowers,” I mumbled to him once we were there.
He held his hands out and look around like he was thinking the same thing. “You’re right,” he added. We were both hopeless, I’d admit.
“Who brought those flowers?” I asked as I pointed to the fake flowers stuck into the ground. There were two different sets.
“I brought roses up here on her birthday last month, but I don’t know who brought those up here,” he told me, and I already knew who it might be. Dad saw my expression but didn’t comment on it.
“Do you think she’s disappointed in me?” I asked abruptly.
He stood still for a while. “Why would you ask that?”
“Because… I don’t remember ever being a good daughter.”
“If you were never a good daughter to us… then I was never a good husband or dad… But I happen to know that your parents never once thought of you as a bad daughter, you happen to be their entire world.” He wiped his hand across his mouth and stopped talking.
He couldn’t say things outright to me anymore, that was the way things had become between us… But what he just gave me was enough for me to show Mom a smile.
As we walked back down the hill, Dad asked again, “Why did you come back?”
I tightened my ponytail before I answered, “I thought Noah had been hurt.”
His eyes widened as he took in the news. “Well, is he okay?”
I smiled. “He’s fine, besides a broken finger.”
“Have you two kept in touch?”
“No, we didn’t.” I sounded depressed about it, and I was. I really hurt him this time, even though my goal had always been to break away from him, now that I was truly doing it, I couldn’t stand myself.
“And you came back early in the morning… without even changing out of your pajamas for Noah’s broken finger?”
I groaned. “I didn’t know anything,” I muttered, then sighed. “He’s stuck in here,” I pointed at my chest, “and he ain’t ever coming out. I can’t pull away from him completely.”
“If you loved him, you wouldn’t have been able to leave him like you did, would you?” he asked me.
“Oh.” I started laughing. “I love him, that’s always been the problem, I love him so much that it consumes me and I become reckless… That day, I begged her to let me see him, and of course, she agreed. I didn’t think she’d come to get me, not when she knew Noah was going to bring me home.”
“Stop, Grace,” he snapped. “Don’t bring up that night, don’t bring up the past, please.”
“Dad…” I met his eyes and hoped he saw my despair. “You blame me too, like I do myself, though!”
“What?” He genuinely seemed taken aback. “What are you talking about?”
“You blame me for having Mom out on the road that night, don’t you? That’s why you ignored me after she died and wanted me to leave the house?”
“Grace,” he uttered my name as he grabbed my shoulders. “Why would you even think that?”
“Because that night you told me she was coming to get me!” I yelled, tears burning my eyes.
He let go of me and brought his hands to his hair. “So… this change in you… you breaking up with Noah, all of it was because of what I said?” he asked in disbelief.
“Because my feelings for Noah always came first, and because of that, we lost Mom!” Dad looked seriously disturbed. “You distanced yourself from me because of it, how could I not feel guilty?”
“I want you to stop,” he told me. “If you’ve been living all this time feeling the way you have, your mom won’t ever forgive me, and I won’t be able to get back my relationship with my daughter.”
I opened my eyes and looked at him. “I wish it were that easy, but I can’t just ignore this ugly feeling, not when Mom could still be here if I had just listened and stayed home and spent the weekend without Noah,” I hiccupped. “I need you to forgive me. I need Mom to forgive me. I need Noah not to love me anymore… But what if he already doesn’t? What am I going to do then?” I dropped to my knees and cried into them. Gus started whimpering and sticking his nose between my legs.
Dad pulled me up by my shoulders. “Let’s go home.”