Page 68 of Just Enough

“Sure.”

I hung up and Emily stood there silently. “That was Kelly. She wants me to meet her at Crash’s.”

“Oh,” she murmured, then wiped her hand over her face as she walked toward our small kitchen.

“Emily.” She turned around when I called her. “Should I not go?”Just tell me not to go and I won’t. You look disappointed and so am I. Let it just be us.

I swallowed. My chest was absolutely killing me. I only wanted one answer from her. Just a sign that we were already moving toward something more.

She turned around quickly. “You should, I mean… Unless you don’t want to go?”

My heart plummeted.

She redirected me, wasn’t that just as bad? How did I tell her I’d rather stay with her? How could I keep this up? I couldn’t.

She wasn’t safe. I couldn’t be safe for her. I loved her with a fire in my veins that only she lit. Some days it simmered. Some days it smoked, but days like today, it suffocated and choked. My hands twitched with the need to make her understand the way I burned. If I stayed any longer…

I stood up. “You’re leaving?” she whispered. Why did she have to whisper in that soft tone of hers?

“Do you need anything before I leave?” Like maybe you’d want me to stay?

When she said nothing, I hurried out of the apartment where I ended up meeting Kelly at Crash’s. She took one look at me and frowned. “Something tells me you don’t actually want to be here.” She twisted herself around on the stool as I joined her at the bar.

I looked at Kelly. She was prettier now. We were all better looking now, but she did nothing to my heart, body, or mind. If I were with someone else, I might forget about Emily for a little while, but it wouldn’t matter. She controlled every corner of my brain now. I couldn’t even look at any other woman with any sort of interest.

“You feel like being a designated driver today?”

She lifted her eyebrow at me. “As long as you spill what’s going on with you.”

I turned toward the woman with all the alcohol. “Can I get a beer?”

_______

Emily

My stomach protestedand churned when Benjamin walked out of the apartment. I sat on the couch full of self-loathing and regret. I grabbed the strands of my hair and tugged on them. Why couldn’t I say what I really thought? Why was I so terrified that I couldn’t utter the truth? I thought I might throw up.

My heart was so uncomfortable sitting inside my chest. I couldn’t sit still any longer, so I stood up and paced. The more I was alone, the harder I thought about it. The more I wished I could have made myself tell him… What? Something. Anything.

That I didn’t want him to go see Kelly. I wanted him to stay with me. That I wanted him, unlike anything I’d ever experienced before.

“Why? Why? Why?” I said aloud to myself. “Why can’t you ever speak up for yourself? How hard would it have been to say ‘stay’?”

Feeling foolish for talking to myself, I bent down and placed my head on my knees. If this was what being in love felt like, I hated it. I hated how little control I had of how I felt or thought. I hated how much I obsessed and over thought every little thing when it came to Benjamin. I hated how much I missed him when he was away. I hated how much I thought about him when we were apart. I hated how much I looked forward to coming home to our little apartment where I’d knew he’d be up waiting for me because he never went to sleep until I got home. I hated how much I hated Kelly now when I never did before. I hated how good he was to me. Why did he feel the need to protect me so damn much?

Did I not look like a woman at all to him? Did he not feel anything every time we touched?

Most of all, I hated that I couldn’t act on what I felt. Fear kept me still. Just as much as love made me feel, it also kept me frozen.

My Benjamin was far from safe. He made my heart break into a terrible rhythm. He made my body throb. He made me weak in the knees, and he made me laugh, but he made me better for myself and everyone around me.

He was everything, even more than the guy he was that I worshipped for all these years. So it was no surprise when I found myself going to work early. I rushed to change into my work clothes. All I could think about was getting to him and just stopping this madness in my heart.

Consequences? I’d think about those when it was over and done with. After I had pressed my lips to his.

My stomach was in knots, but I couldn’t stop myself if I tried. His Raptor was in the parking lot. I took a deep breath and climbed out of the truck.

Then, time came to a terrible halt.