Page 85 of Ho Ho Oh No

At the party earlier, Madeline pulled me aside to talk. Her words cut through many of my darkest fears. Much like she’s holding the babies now, her message was tender and firm at the same time. She figured out quickly that my issues with my body were a shield to distract me from worrying about failing as a mother. Insightful woman.

I close my eyes, remembering the wisdom she shared, letting it embolden me.

Susie, when you first hold your baby, you realize there’s nothing you won’t do for them. You’re still yourself. You’re also more. You’re a mother. It doesn’t make you infallible. You’ll make mistakes. You’ll second-guess your decisions. You’ll have regrets—heaven knows I have too many of them to count. There’ll be dark times. But you’ll make your way through. Even if it takes years to find the path through darkness, as it did for me. The only way to fail at motherhood is to give up. And mothers don’t yield. We can’t. We won’t. There’s magic in the love we have for our children. All you need to do is let that love guide you when you’re scared.

I blink open my eyes, returning to the moment with a new sense of calm.

Madeline stands a few feet in front of me beside Sammy’s hospital bed. There’s a poised sway to her body as she hums soothingly to the tiny baby girl wrapped in her arms.

Perhaps she senses me studying her because she meets my eyes and winks. “I told you that you wouldn’t pass out.”

A giggle bounces free from my gut, jostling my shoulders as it escapes.

Leo takes a seat beside me on the sofa. Well, it’s more of a bench that converts into a bed. I assume it’s so if a woman is inlabor for a long time, the partner has somewhere to rest. If that’s the case, we may need something bigger for Leo when our time comes.

He kisses the side of my head, then slings an arm over my shoulders. “I’m proud of you, angel.”

I crinkle my nose and mouth, waving an open palm toward Sammy. “I’m not the one who propelled two babies out of her body. Be proud of your sister.”

“I’m proud of her too.” He shrugs sheepishly. “I have a confession, though.”

Studying him carefully, I find nothing to indicate he’s about to spring bad news on me. His posture is relaxed, and an irresistible grin caresses his features.

“What is it?”

“Despite the plan for you to stay in the room for the birth, I didn’t think you’d do it. I’m sorry for doubting you.”

I slope my head at an angle, faintly nibbling the inside of my cheek. “You know how much I hate surprises. I can’t even watch suspenseful movies without checking spoilers first.”

His grin turns cheeky. “This was like checking the spoilers?”

I nod. “It’s often the unknown that causes me the most anxiety. Once I know what to expect, I’m better equipped.” I pause to gesture at my stomach. “There’s no stopping this from happening for us, and I needed to see the full experience.”

“Are you glad you did?”

Rather than spitting out just any answer, I think it over.

It was terrifying. It was exhilarating. It was uncomfortable. It was overwhelming.

And it was beautiful.

Leo and Big Al waited just outside the door when it was time for the birth. Madeline and I stood on one side of Sammy’s bed with Sawyer on the other. When I got flustered, Madeline held my hand. She knew I was frightened, but she wouldn’tlet me falter. Sawyer was there for Sammy with his every breath, coaching her on and showering her with love and praise. Madeline only had to chime in here and there to help soothe Sammy.

It hits me then.

I won’t be doing this alone.

And I’m not only referring to giving birth. I won’t be alone when raising our son either.

My gentle giant protector will be on one side, and an Army of female warriors will be on the other. How could I possibly fail?

Without doubt clouding my response, I answer, “Yes, Leo. I’m so glad I did. It was the most amazing thing I’ve ever been lucky enough to witness.”

His large hand splays over my stomach, covering about half of it. “And did it help you prepare?”

He seems so insecure. It’s unlike him to need reassurance from me. He’s my rock. My boulder.

I guess sometimes even boulders need someone to steady them.