Page 16 of Keeping Lilith
“Lilith? Do you…” He didn’t know how to finish that sentence because everything he thought about saying felt wrong.
He’d had little practice talking to women. A few one-night stands since he’d left Freedom and Love, but the women had approached him. The first couple of times, he’d turned them down, and then one night, he’d been in a dark place, and he’d given in and let the woman take him to her home.
Julian closed his mind down on those thoughts. He didn’t want to be having them while in the same room as Lilith.
“Do I what, Julian? Do I wish my life was different? Yes. Do I wish that these two things didn’t represent all that I have in my life? Yes.”
He shouldn’t have been surprised by her anger. She deserved to feel angry that, for most of her life, choices had been made with no input from her. “I wish that for you too. I wish things were different, and you hadn’t ended up where you did.”
“Well, isn’t that nice of you?” Sarcasm dripped from every word.
Julian sighed. Why was he here? Had he hoped that in the brightness of a new day, Lilith’s attitude toward him would’ve changed? In some ways, he had, and in other ways, he knew it would never be easy to convince Lilith that he wasn’t the same person he’d been when she’d known him.
If she had this much fire inside, how the hell had she gotten caught up in Staunton Rello’s web of lies? What had she been seeking when she’d stumbled into The Hopeful Sunshine?
Again, the answers to those questions would not be answered quickly or easily. What he had to do was convince Lilith that he wasn’t the enemy. That he was here to help her. Which was going to be easier said than done. But he wouldn’t try. He’d prove to Lilith she could trust him.
“Sorry to interrupt.” Cass came into the kitchen. “Irish and I have to go into the office. There’s, um, ah, something we need to look into. I’m sorry, Lilith. I won’t be able to take you to the bank to get your account sorted. I’m sure Julian can help, though. I’ve left a key for you on the hall table, along with a purse you can use. Bye!”
Cass was out of the room with the front door shut firmly before Julian could blink three times.
“That wasn’t subtle at all, was it?” Instead of sarcasm, or annoyance, or even hate coloring Lilith’s voice, it held dry humor, something he hadn’t expected her to ever direct in his direction.
“It was a bit obvious,” he conceded, and he’d be having a word to Cass later about how unsubtle she’d been. But he alsowanted to thank her, because she’d given him the in that he needed. “I know you probably don’t want my help, but I’m going to offer it to you, anyway. I can take you wherever you want to go today.”
“Why would you want to do that? Is it some sort of misguided attempt to appease your guilt for what you did to me all those years ago?”
Again, her response wasn’t unexpected, but he couldn’t deny that he was getting a little tired of her defaulting to this narrative. “No, this is me, in the present, helping you. I know that you have no reason to trust me or believe me when I say that I’ve changed. But I have. I was the person who was responsible for Freedom and Love being dismantled. I was the one who went to the FBI. It was because of me, you and your parents and everyone else got a chance to start over and take back control of their lives.”
Throughout his little speech, her face remained impassive, as if he were staring at a wax model, not a living person. The mention of her parents brought the only response from her. A tiny eye twitch he would’ve missed if he hadn’t been trained by the FBI. That little tell gave him an answer he hadn’t realized he’d been looking for—her parents weren’t in her life.
His vague memory of Leroy and Maribelle Kenny wasn’t flattering. They tried hard to get into Ralph’s inner sanctum, the place where his parents, and himself, had been allowed. Even though they’d been suckered in like everyone else, they had truly believed that everything Ralph said was gospel, and if they followed it to the letter of the law, their lives would be fulfilled and rich.
What had happened to them after everything had fallen apart? They hadn’t even filed a missing person’s report for her. He’d done a search the previous evening when sleep had been elusive.
“Why did you do that?” Lilith asked, grabbing his attention.
“Bring Freedom and Love down?”
Lilith nodded. Should he tell her it was because of her he started to question things? Right this second, no was the answer to that question.
“A culmination of things. I realized Ralph’s words and actions were wrong. Do you want to hit up the bank first?” he questioned, hoping she’d take the change of topic and run with it.
“What’s the point? I don’t think there’s much in there.” She turned and walked toward the sink, gazing out the window at the backyard. “I’m not sure what I want to do.”
She spoke so quietly, he wasn’t sure that he’d heard her clearly. He didn’t know what she was going through. The jumble of emotions that were likely swirling through her were a mystery to him. Once he’d decided that he was going to wreak havoc on Freedom and Love, and he’d dealt with the emotions of knowing that the life he’d known was going to end by his hand, he’d moved on and gotten the job done.
“We can simply go for a walk if you’d like. Or we can take a drive to the beach and walk along the sand.”
Lilith lifted her head, a spark of interest shining in her emerald-colored eyes. “The beach?”
If she’d said she wanted to drive to the desert, he’d take her. This was the first time she’d answered him with anything but disdain. “Yep. Do you want to change into something else?” He pointed to the jeans that she wore. Jeans that gloved her long, lean legs to perfection. The light blue top was a gorgeous foil to her black hair. “Or if you don’t have shorts, we can stop off and get you some. Or if you’d prefer, you can stay with what you’re wearing, and we’ll keep away from the water’s edge.”
Julian pressed his lips together to stop himself from saying more. For him, it didn’t matter what they did. All that matteredwas Lilith getting out and breathing without the constriction of waiting for something to happen to her.
When had been the last time she’d truly breathed freely?
“I like the idea of the beach. I think, amongst the clothes Cass got me, there’s something better than jeans. I’ll be right back.”