Page 36 of Keeping Lilith
“Would that be a bad thing?” Suddenly the idea of going out to some place where they wouldn’t be alone didn’t appeal as much as it had a few minutes ago.
Julian laughed. “Trust me when I say I would love to skip dinner, but I want to take you out. I want to go on this date with you. I want this night to be special.”
How could she resist him when he said things like that? “Okay, I want this too.”
“Perfect. Now you go inside, and I’ll stay here for a few minutes and make the reservation.”
Lilith nodded and headed for her room, panic setting in at the thought of what she was going to wear. Her wardrobe wasn’t extensive, and she hadn’t had a chance to get anything more than what Cass and the other women had gotten her.
Not that she knew where Julian was taking her. Was it somewhere fancy or casual?
She opened her closet and looked at her small collection of clothes, flicking through the hangers. This was hopeless. She couldn’t decide because she needed to know where they were going.
Sighing, she went in search of Julian and found him still outside, the phone to his ear. He noticed her and held up his finger in the universal sign ofwait a second.
“Great, thank you so much. Bye.” He pocketed his phone, and Lilith’s breath caught when she saw the sparkle of happiness inhis eyes. Had she caused that, or was it from the phone call? “That was the restaurant. They couldn’t fit us in a six thirty but could at seven. So you have a little more time to get ready.”
“Enough time to go shopping?” she muttered, before smiling. “Great. Can you tell me, is this place casual or formal?”
Julian came up to her, his brow furrowed. “I wouldn’t say it’s formal, but also notcasual. Why? Do you need to get something from the store?”
That was no help, but maybe one of the dresses would work. “No, it’s fine. Just working out what to wear.”
The last thing she wanted to do was embarrass Julian and herself by wearing something wrong. Suddenly, sweat beaded on her brow, and her heart rate picked up speed. Her breathing became shallow. The possibility that Julian could punish her for not wearing something appropriate loomed in front of her like a large boulder blocking her escape from a cave.
“Whoa, Lilith, breathe.” Julian’s hands lightly gripped her forearm, and the panic increased.
“Stop! Let me go!” Lilith moved her arms, and Julian released her and took a step back.
“You’re safe, Lilith. I will not hurt you.”
“I don’t believe you. You’ll take me to dinner, and then, when it’s clear that I’m embarrassing you, you’ll discipline me when we get home!”
Part of her brain said she was overreacting, but the other part, the one that had been beaten down for years, had taken control and wasn’t letting go.
“No, I would never hurt you. Lil, it’s me, Julian. It’s not Staunton. Or Ralph. Or your parents. I would sooner cut off my hand than raise it to you.” A light brush stroked her hand, and she timed her breathing to the motion.
Eventually, everything within her slowed. Her heart rate. Her breathing. The panic that consumed her seeped away. The hazethat covered her vision lifted, and she took in her surroundings. She was in Julian’s backyard. The yard where she’d been putting her stamp on it. The man himself stood in front of her, his blue eyes filled with concern.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, dropping her head so she wouldn’t have to look at him.
“Lil, look at me, please.” The request was said gently, with no malice or threat. Taking a deep breath, she lifted her head. “There she is,” he murmured, the corners of his mouth lifting in a sweet smile. “You good?”
“I think so. I got overwhelmed, and well, you saw.”
“I did. If going out is too much for you, we can order in.”
It would be so easy to grab that lifeline he just presented her, but if she was going to live her life to the fullest, then she needed to do things that made her uncomfortable. Rationally, she knew Julian wouldn’t punish her because of what she wore. But the words thrown at her practically her whole life wouldn’t disappear just because she changed the course of her life. “No. I want to go out.”
“Are you sure?”
She loved he was always checking with her, making sure she was happy with her decisions and that it was her choice and he wasn’t forcing his will on to her. “Positive. I need to do this.”
“I get it. And seriously, whatever you wear will be fine. They won’t kick you out unless you rock up in a bikini and flip-flops. Then they might.”
Lilith laughed at the ridiculousness of that ever happening. Even she knew that wearing a bikini to a restaurant wasn’t the done thing, unless it was a beach bar or at a resort where everyone was in their bathing suit. “I think it’s safe to say that, even with me living most of my life in cults, I’m aware a bikini is not restaurant attire. I mean, I did work in a couple for a while.”
“Good to know. Will you be okay getting ready?”