Page 41 of Guilty Mothers
‘Did you keep in touch with any of the other girls?’
‘No. It wasn’t like that. You were there to win. The other girls were your competition so you didn’t make proper friends. I mean you saw many of the same faces at each pageant and you’d wave and smile, but your team was you and your mom.’
‘Did you enjoy it?’ Kim asked.
‘God, yes. Me and Mom had loads of fun. We’d go shopping for dresses and jewellery and shoes. We’d practise a few times each week during pageant season. Mom would do the walk with me, and she’d exaggerate it and we’d collapse on the floor laughing and tickling each other.’
Tony stiffened, and Toyah bit back the laugh that had come out of her mouth as though it had no right being there.
‘It’s okay, Toyah. They were good times for you and your mom. Cherish those memories. What made you stop doing the pageants?’
Toyah shrugged and broke eye contact. ‘Got bored, I suppose. It was great fun, but eventually when pageant season came around, I wanted to be out with my school friends, having sleepovers and stuff.’
‘And your mom didn’t mind when you stopped?’
‘Wh-Why would she? Mom never tried to make me do anything I didn’t want to do.’
‘You’re sure?’ Kim asked. Tension seemed to have been injected into both siblings.
‘Of course she’s sure,’ Tony offered, breaking free of Toyah’s grip and putting his hands into his lap.
‘Got it,’ Kim said. ‘Did it ever bother you that these pageants get a bad rap and a lot of criticism?’
‘No, cos I disagree. You get tiaras, crowns, sashes, bouquets, sceptres. I got savings bonds and prize money. Mom put it all in an account and it bought my first car.’
‘Do you feel it harmed you at all?’ Kim asked.
‘How could it harm me? It was good fun. It was exciting. It was a laugh, but I learned loads. My confidence grew, I was comfortable on stage and I got better at public speaking, which had terrified me before I did pageants. I suppose I also learned how to be a good sportsman and lose gracefully.’
‘Okay, thanks for?—’
‘I also learned how to be respectful to adults. I learned manners. How could any of that be negative?’
It seemed to Kim that Toyah could talk about the enjoyment of the events with far more eloquence than her reasons for stepping away.
‘Okay, thanks for sharing your experience, Toyah,’ Kim said, getting to her feet. ‘One last thing. Did you ever meet a woman named Judith Palmer?’
The girl thought before shaking her head. ‘The name isn’t familiar. Is she a judge or something?’
‘Never mind,’ Kim said, satisfied that Judith Palmer wasn’t linked to both girls.
‘I’ll see you out,’ Ben said, crossing the room.
It was on the tip of Kim’s tongue to refuse, but often there was a reason for the offer.
Her suspicions were proved correct when he closed the front door behind him.
‘For the record, I didn’t like the pageant thing, and it wasn’t quite as rosy as Toyah makes out. I only mention it because you did.’
‘Please continue,’ Kim said.
‘Well, it’s fair to say that Andrea took it a bit more seriously than Toyah did.’ He rubbed his hand through his hair. ‘God, I feel awful for saying this.’
‘The loss of a person doesn’t change the facts,’ Bryant offered.
‘Toyah is being truthful when she says it was a laugh. It started out that way. Andrea loved Tony very much, but she’d always wanted a girl she could dress up. Oh dear, I don’t know if this is coming out right. She got fully into it. Buying the dresses gave way to having them custom made. The list of accessories grew, the entrance fees got larger, the hotel rooms, a make-up artist. It all spiralled because Andrea wanted Toyah to do well. She didn’t want her confidence battered due to not competing on the same level as the other girls. Luckily, we could afford it, but it was no cheap hobby.
‘What started as fun dress up with a bit of make-up and a sparkly dress turned into emails to organisers about rules and age ranges, arguments with dress designers who didn’t deliver. Over time, the fun aspect was replaced with rivalry and the desire to win. It took up more and more time.’ He paused. ‘Other things suffered.’