Page 60 of Whiskey & Honey
I’m not sure when we went from not talking for weeks to making a grocery list together, but I’d be lying if I said it didn’t make me happy. Full-heart happy. And scared out of my mind.
“Sure, the list is on the fridge,” I say while I continue to note the domestic scene playing out. “What are your plans today? Are you hanging out with the guys?”
“I figured I’d run home and change my clothes and then we could hang out.”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say as I stand to refill my coffee.
“What do you mean it’s not a good idea? I think it’s an excellent idea,” he says, grabbing my wrist and tugging me onto his lap. I’m acknowledging the comfort of this lap when he turns me so I’m straddling him in the chair. “Explain yourself, please.”
I roll my eyes at his demand. To which he pinches my backside and I offer a screech.
“Hey there, no pinching.”
He smiles and places a sweet kiss on my lips.
“I just don’t think it makes sense for us to spend all of our time together. We both have real lives, Ben. We can’t hole up here in my apartment and pretend otherwise.”
“I consider this my real life, Piper. I thought we were on the same page here.”
I am so not handling this well. I can feel the tension radiating off Ben. I remove myself from his lap and refill my mug before turning back to him.
“We are. I just need some space of my own. This is a lot for me to digest.”
“Okay, if you’re sure. Don’t start over-thinking this.”
Ben stands and walks over to me. I hold the cup in both hands like a security blanket.
“I’m going to finish my breakfast and then we’re going to do the dishes. I’ll go work on my house while you have your alone time. But, don’t get used to me not being around. I plan on being here often.”
Once his declaration is complete Ben resumes his spot at the table and continues eating his breakfast. I continue to stand at the counter watching him. Regardless of what he says, I need this time without him here. This isn’t reality. At some point this man is going to realize I am not worth the risk. He’ll accept that a passing attraction is not worth hurting his sister.
I am fully aware that in this scenario, it is me who will end up hurt. Any normal well-adjusted woman would put a stop to this insanity. I am not that woman. I am willing to take the hit if it means that for a short period of time I can feel the level of importance I have for the past two days.
Dishes with Ben include him trying to coerce me back into bed and my insistence that we actually get some adulting done. I know if he gets me back in that bed I’ll spend half the day repaying him for last night. Instead I’m going to spend the day cleaning, grocery shopping, and trying to understand my feelings.
I’m a confused girl. My feelings are not the problem. Or, perhaps, they are. I’m not sure. I’ve loved this man my entire life. Except I’ve learned that the version of Ben that I’ve loved isn’t the man he is now. Instead I had romanticized him over the years. I always knew Ben was a kind person. The kind of guy who always opened doors for women or helped the younger kids with their bikes. He always smiled and greeted everyone like they mattered. The only person he ever had a problem with was Tony. Knowing Tony, that was probably less Ben’s doing than Tony’s.
Over the last few months I’ve seen that in many ways Ben is exactly the same as he was. He’s chivalrous and kind, yet he’s so much more. He says all the right things at the right time and then there are the things he doesn’t actually say but expresses. Each gesture giving me a glimmer of hope this could all work out okay.
I am trying to trust that everything he says is true and his feelings are real. Still, the doubt is there. Little voices in my head, voices that sound a lot like my mom, telling me I’m a fool. Men like Bentley Sullivan don’t fall for girls like me. Eventually, he’ll get bored and realize I’m just a small-town girl who wants a simple life. His future has always been filled with possibilities and opportunities; I shouldn’t expect him to stick around.
Logic tells me I shouldn’t doubt his sincerity and, above all, Ben has integrity. He would never lead me on to just leave. Yet, the normal everyday version of me can’t seem to accept that as a reality. I acknowledge these last two nights with Ben have been more real and natural than any of the nights I spent with Tony or any boyfriend before him. That says volumes.
I hate that I can’t go to the one person in my life I share everything with. Normally I’d go to Ashton and talk to her about how I’m feeling, accept her no-nonsense advice, and let her tell me how everything will be. Since I can’t do that, I’ll just pretend she’s here listening to me ramble about Ben and imagine what she would say in response. I’ll skip past the initial “Why are you screwing my brother” reaction and settle on what I know she’d tell me instead. She would remind me that Bentley Sullivan is one of the good guys. He’s by far the most honest person in either of our lives and if he tells me it’s going to be okay, it’s going to be.
There is no reason to doubt him. There is no reason to believe he will be anything less than perfect. Which in itself is quite annoying. I mean, can’t the guy pick his nose or something, anything. The only thing that stands to reason is that I can be my own worst enemy and my own insecurities stand in my way.