Page 32 of Chasing Mr. Prefect
“Help,” I echoed. “Wow, coming from you, of all people. You tormented me, Gian, and Liana during our younger years. You don’t get to call me out and tell me how to make amends when you’ve never apologized for the huge amount of shit you put us through. Do you think we’re laughing about that now?”
The look on his face told me he did not see that coming.
A nagging voice at the back of my mind told me that was a low blow but there was no reasoning with my current mode and he did need to be called out for that. The timing just left a lot to be desired.
“Well, I stopped being a bully. I grew up. I’m trying to be in a different place now. I’m trying to do right by you as your friend. You, on the other hand, still take pride in being mean to your stepsister every single day. Don’t you think it’s time you tried to grow up, too?”
What he said was reasonable and his manner was calm. There was a bit of bile in the end but I deserved that.
It made me angrier at myself. This made me see red and while I knew I was going to regret what I said next, there was no stopping my damn mouth.
“So, that’s what this is about? You think your being nice to me undoes the mean things you did? You think that gives you the right to tell me what to do?”
There was something else. It was not just the stress of this day triggering the onslaught of words. Some part of me got scared of what he was saying. He knew me well enough now to push the right buttons and call me out on my bullshit.
I had let myself become too vulnerable around him the past few weeks.
“What’s your plan, then?” he challenged, stopping in his tracks. “Are you going to push everyone away again? You were doing so well, why are you being such a?—”
“Doing so well? How?” I cut him off, knowing what was at the end of that sentence. “Better exam scores? Quality club work? Perfect event attendance?”
“You think that’s what I care about?” he demanded, now sounding angry. “You think this is graded or this gives me extra merits? No one even knows I’m with you right now, not even Patsy. Why do you think I’m going out of my way to try to help you?”
“No one asked you to care! And I’m just in your team because you needed an extra head andIneeded to pass BA 170. Are we forgetting that?”
The words tasted bitter in my own mouth and I felt a pang in my chest as I realized how effortlessly I could hurl those nasty words out.
Why had it come to this? How bad was it that hurting people just came to me so naturally?
“Nice,” Cholo said and I heard a bitter laugh there. “Really nice. I’m sure the people in our team who were on their feet defending you from Summer when you weren’t even in the room would love to hear that.”
Another tidal wave of remorse washed over me as he said that. I gritted my teeth as my apology did not make it past my throat, even if I wanted to tell him I did not mean that, I meant none of it, I was just hurting.
I wanted to say that none of what I did was right but this was my default when everything hurt and I knew no other way to express it.
I wanted to tell him and Liana that I was sorry, that I was doing everything the wrong way, and to please, please stay, because I did not actually want them to give up on me like my dad did.
“Thanks for the ride here. I’m taking the train home,” I said instead, turning around, too ashamed to look him in the eye as I raced back inside the mall.
CHAPTER 14
Icarried my guilt well into the next week.
Cholo and Liana pointedly ignoring me made me realize how small my circle actually was. Kristine and Seth were around, and Gian, too, but I had been spending so much time with Cholo that I found myself restless and reaching for my phone to tell him every little thing that I thought would amuse him or make him laugh. (There were a lot ofthings. Dammit.)
It was so bad that I felt my heart jump when my phone lit up with a notification that had his name on it.
CHATBOX
Ephemere (ALL) Semester 2
Cholo Valiente
Hello, Team! Quick meeting at 5:30 pm today.
Library conference room 1, please
Kristine Andal