Page 66 of Counted
He’d really had no idea she might feel that way.
It filled him with the oddest contradiction of feelings. Deep gratification and equally deep guilt.
“I’m sorry, Eve,” he managed to say thickly. “Maybe I never should have put you in this position. I wasn’t thinking about how you might feel after I’m… gone.”
“You don’t have to be sorry.” She’d composed herself and withdrew enough to meet his eyes. “I knew what I was doing. I’m going to be okay—I promise. You don’t have to worry about me.”
He leaned forward to kiss her softly. “I do worry about you.”
“You’re the one with a brain tumor.” She almost—almost—smiled.
He smiled back. “So maybe we worry about each other.”
“I guess we don’t have much choice, do we?”
“No. We really don’t.”
They stayed on the bed together for about twenty minutes, and Jude felt a lot better when Eve told him she was good now. She’d relaxed. She was meeting his eyes for real. And she was herself again.
Of course she might have bad days. She was a real person, a human being—not a heavenly visitor sent from on high to bless the remainder of his life. But he believed her when she said she was fine now and would be okay long term. They’d only been close for a month. She cared about him and would miss him, but it wasn’t like she was in love with him or like she’d grieve for him the rest of her life.
She was protecting herself emotionally—exactly as she should. It was different for her than for him. She needed to be careful, but he didn’t. He was allowed to feel anything he wanted for her. It wouldn’t matter two months from now if he irrevocably gave her his heart.
He’d never have to live with the heartbreak of her not loving him back.
So he was mentally settled when Eve said she wanted to unpack and shower before dinner. It was a good idea, so he did the same.
Then they went down to dinner at seven, deciding to eat at the high-end restaurant in the hotel. Eve wore a dress she’d picked out in Rome. It was light and flowing with a subtle botanical pattern, and it emphasized her small figure, making her look very soft. Sensual. Her hair was loose and hung down her back in shiny blond waves. She must have put on more makeup than usual, because her lips and eyes had more color.
She was the most beautiful person Jude had ever seen in his life. No one else even came close. And while she still conveyed the same ethereal detachment she always had—like she somehow floated above base life like a fairy or an angel—she now also evoked an intense carnality inside him. Everything in him hungered to touch her, claim her.
It was a disturbing dichotomy. He’d never expected to experience it.
If he’d had more than a couple of months left to live, he might have actually run away from it.
But it didn’t matter in his circumstance. No harm would come from letting it overwhelm him. Sweep him away. He could enjoy the feelings for what they were, knowing they wouldn’t matter for long, thrilled that he’d been allowed to have this experience at least once.
For a long time, he’d assumed he’d live his entire life without it.
Without knowing how it felt to be in love.
Eve was quiet, but she smiled every time he caught her eye. He ordered a bottle of good red wine for the table. He had two glasses, and she had three, and she gradually loosened up and started laughing.
He ordered anything she expressed even the slightest interest in, so they ended up with way too much food. She clearly enjoyed it though, and when the server suggested a couple of indulgent desserts after they’d finished, she said they should get both and share.
Jude had no objections to that plan even though Eve was so full she could only eat a couple of bites of each one. He’d never seen her drink so much. She often had wine with dinner but usually no more than a glass and a half at most. But she’d had a difficult day emotionally, and she could get tipsy or even drunk tonight if she wanted.
He’d make sure she was all right.
By the time they’d finished, almost three hours had passed, and Eve was clearly feeling no pain. She couldn’t stop giggling. They were seated in a small, curved booth, and she’d moved over so she was practically in his lap.
It made Jude happy that she was happy. That she felt safe enough to let down her guard, something she rarely did. He wasn’t sure he’d fixed things this afternoon as effectively as he’d wanted, but he must have done okay since Eve’s mood had transformed so completely.
He wondered if everyone else in the restaurant was jealous of him because Eve was his wife. She’d gotten her share of admiring stares as they entered, although she didn’t have the kind of overtly sexual, glamorous looks that tended to get the most attention. Still, he couldn’t imagine anyone seeing her and not wanting her. Maybe everyone else was eyeing her covertly, secretly wishing they were him.
He put his arm around her, and she leaned against him, smiling up at him.
“Did you have a good dinner?” she asked.