Page 72 of Toy Boy
“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “It’s just, ever since you’ve been back it’s felt like – like you’re hiding something.”
“Hiding something? Like what? You think I have some deep, dark secret?”
“No, but… You just seem like you have something on your mind, and I’m not talking about Megan…”
“Somebody died, Tim. On my operating table, duringmysurgery, and I couldn’t save them.” I hold his gaze for a moment or two. “The game-changing, life-saving technique that I’d been working on for years; that I took over there, to Europe, because that clinic in Denmark was about as cutting edge as you can get right now, it didn’t work. And I lost a patient.”
Tim drops his head, and sighs quietly. “I’m sorry, of course that’s still going to be playing on your mind…”
“I’m not hiding anything, okay? There are no secrets. I might be a little pre-occupied, sometimes…” I stop talking, because I don’t want this to turn into a long, drawn-out conversation. Tania’s waiting for me.
“I didn’t mean to bring all of that up again, Scott, I really am sorry.”
“It’s fine. Really, it’s okay.”
“When you say you’re pre-occupied, does that have anything to do with Megan?”
We’re really going there, huh? Still? “No, Tim, it doesn’t.”
That’s a lie.
I know.
Tim hesitates for a moment, as though he’s deciding whether to believe me or not, and then he smiles slightly. “Good. I’m glad you’re moving on, it was a crazy idea to think you two could become a couple again.”
Really?
A crazy idea…?
“Maybe.”
“You and Tania, I think you’ll be good together.”
I quite like the fact people now assume Tania and I are an item, or at least on the way to becoming one, it takes their focus off Megan, and my fight to win her back. Works perfectly for me, I’m fine with that.
“Have a good night, Tim.”
“You too. Say hello to Tania from me.”
I start to walk away, but he calls after me.
“Scott?”
I turn around, slowly, because I really don’t have time for this. “Yes?”
“I wish you’d talk to me. Like you used to. I’m always here for you, you know that, don’t you?”
I throw him a smile that I hope will placate him. “I know. Thanks, Tim.”
I finally make my escape, pushing my way through the busy pub until I reach the toilets, grabbing a few, brief moments alone in a quiet cubicle. I just need a couple of seconds, time to gather my thoughts and take a breath. A deep, necessary breath. What happened in Denmark, it’s no secret. It could never have been that, there was too much publicity surrounding that surgery, in the world of medicine, anyway. But talking about it, reliving it… I still blame myself. I think I always will. I’m still frustrated and angry, at my own selfish actions, I should’ve waited just a little bit longer…
Leaving the cubicle, I splash my face with cold water and stare at my reflection. I look tired. There are lines around my eyes that weren’t there before, or I just didn’t notice them because it wasn’t important. Why is it suddenly important now?
Because Megan – the woman I so desperately want back – is sleeping with a man younger than her. Younger than me…
Dropping my head, I close my eyes and replay the image of them together. Tonight. Just a few minutes ago. She looked happy, relaxed. Beautiful. So fucking beautiful it’s making my heart physically hurt, and I slam a hand to my chest as though that’ll ease the pain. It doesn’t. Of course it doesn’t!
Every tiny gesture they’d shared – because I’d seen them; watched them. Every touch, the way they’d looked at each other, all of that is like a hammer to my heart. And maybe it’s what I deserve, it was me who pushed her away, me who treat her so badly she had no choice but to leave, but there’d been a moment out there – one tiny, blink-and-you’d-have-missed-it moment – when her eyes had met mine and I saw it, even from the other side of the terrace it was there. She still feels something for me, for us, I don’t know, but it’s enough to give me hope, no matter how futile. It’s something to grasp onto, and that’s all I need. Something…