Page 90 of Toy Boy
“If you give me another chance, Megan, I promise you, I will show you how much of a changed man I really am.”
“More clichés,” she whispers, but her eyes are burning into mine, and I feel that hope creeping back again, so much so that when I lean in to kiss her she doesn’t flinch or back away, she lets it happen. For the briefest of moments, anyway, before she finally pulls her hand from mine, and walks away without looking back. But what happened just now, that was enough for me to know that she’s fighting feelings, very real feelings, for me. And I can’t stop smiling…
Xander
I saw it all. Everything. From the moment he sat down opposite her to that brief, shared kiss that I’m not entirely sure Megan wanted, but the fact she didn’t instantly push him away… And his smile, as she walked back inside, away from him… No… I’m not having that. I never wanted to feel anything for Megan, it was never part of my plan, but that plan hasn’t worked out the way I wanted it to. It took a different path, and it’s only now that I know my biggest mistake was involving Megan at all. I should’ve done things very differently. Because falling for her – it’s changed everything. Except what I feel for this man. Scott Warren. He’s taken too much from me already, he isn’t taking Megan, too, it’s time for this to end now. It’s fucking time…
Megan
“Have you seen Xander?” I ask Laney as I sit back down, pick up my drink, and take the biggest gulp of gin and tonic. I could down the lot in one, quite frankly, but I’m trying to cling on to some kind of dignity here.
“Yeah, just a few minutes ago, actually. He was looking for you. I told him you’d gone back inside. What have you been doing, anyway, you’ve been gone ages?”
Slight exaggeration there. “I just needed a minute.”
“To what?” She glances over at Tania, and I notice that Scott still hasn’t come back. And for some reason that makes me nervous. “I’m not stupid, Megan. He was up and out of his seat just seconds after you went back inside, he wasn’t even trying to be subtle about it.”
I really don’t want this conversation, but I’m not sure I can avoid it.
“So? Were you and him…?”
“We had a brief chat, yes.”
“About what?”
“You know, Laney, sometimes things have absolutely nothing to do with you.”
She sips her drink but she keeps her eyes on me, which irritates me, but I ignore it, partly because I hate that I’ve just done what I did. That I let it happen. That Scott kissed me, and I didn’t immediately push him away, and I should’ve done.
“Are you okay?” Laney asks, her tone less accusatory now, in fact, she seems almost worried.
I look at her, and I smile. “I’m fine. And you’re right, I don’t need Scott Warren.”
I don’t. Sheisright. Talking to him just now, that kiss, it shook me up. And I think I needed that to happen to make me see sense. I didn’t want that. And I don’t wanthim, I know that now. Now that I have someone else to focus on, someone real and genuine and I know Xander and I don’t have any kind of future, but he’s made me realise that Icanget out there and start living again. I can let down those barriers Scott caused me to erect, and let someone else in, and one day, maybe, I’ll find someone I can finally settle down with. Someone who loves me for who I really am, not what they want or need me to be.
“I know I’m right. I always am.” She isn’t. But I let it go. “So, what happened?”
I can tell she wanted to add “to make you see sense” to the end of that sentence but stops just short of doing it.
“He wants us to try again, he almost begged me to take him back, and that in itself made me uncomfortable. Scott Warren, begging…?”
“And…?”
“I told him we can’t go back. Because we can’t. I’ll never really trust him again, I’ll never know if what I’m feeling for him is real or if I’m…” I drop my head and take a breath before I look back up. “I’m not saying he’s still the manipulative man I believed he was before, I don’t think he is. I truly believe he’s changed, Laney, and before you start, you won’t change my mind on that. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt because I looked into his eyes and I saw something different. I saw a new man, but it doesn’t make any difference. It doesn’t matter, because we can’t go back.”
“Even if you wanted to?”
I smile slightly. “But I don’t, want to.”
“But you did, at some point?”
I shrug and take a small sip of gin. “Maybe. For a while, I don’t know. I was confused, for a time. But things are a lot clearer now.” I glance around the terrace, there’s still no sign of Xander. And Scott still isn’t back at his table, Tania’s still alone, talking into her phone as she stares out at the ocean, absent-mindedly drumming her fingertips on the table-top. “Where the hell is Xander?”
“He’s probably just bumped into someone and got talking. He’s become very popular around here, I gather.” Laney shoots me a look that I’m guessing is telling me to keep a hold of him, because if I don’t there are plenty waiting in the wings to take him off my hands.
“Do you want another drink?” Laney reaches for my empty glass and I nod.
“Yeah. Thanks. See if you can find Xander while you’re in there.”