Page 159 of Hunt for You
For once, I would do somethinggoodfor someone else, and let Sam go.
I wouldn’t answer that text.
I wouldn’t confirm Sunday.
He’d never hear from me again. And even though it would suck, he’d get over it.
In a few months, he’d meet someone else. Someone lighter. And he’d be grateful that I let him go, like I was grateful that he’d shown up, because he’d given me a little bit of light in an otherwise dark world.
So, in my mind, I said goodbye to Sam. Then, I took my phone out and blocked his number, which wiped the message thread.
Then, in a burst of inspiration, cursing that I didn’t have a cell phone number for Cain anymore, I darted back to my office and the computer and got into the forum. I quickly tapped out the message, praying he’d see it quickly, even though his profile wasn’t showing online.
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***SYSTEM NOTE: CHAT ENCRYPTED END-TO-END. ENSURE ALL ACCOUNTS ARE LOGGED OFF BEFORE DISCONNECTING.***
DeadGirlWalking:I have a story I want to tell you. About why I don’t want to live through another Christmas. Maybe… maybe you could come for me and we could talk first? Then I’ll run and you’ll hunt and this will be over. One way or another, I need it to be over, Cain.
DeadGirlWalking:Something happened a long time ago and my heart and my head got love mixed up with darkness, and now I can’t find love anywhere. Only the dark. But I need both. I’m not a mushroom. I’m a plant. I need light like I need air, and I haven’t found light in a long time.
DeadGirlWalking:I feel like you’re like me. I feel like we understand each other. That’s why I wanted to change the plan. I had this crazy idea that maybe if we shared the shadows, the dark would get a little thinner. But the truth is, I’d rather be connected to you forever in the next life, than living in this hollow nothing without you. So… come. Cometalkto me at my house and then we can figure it out from there.
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I sat there, breathing too quick, eyes alight, my hands poised over the keyboard… but then I read it all back and it was just… just meandering gibberish. Just irrational verbal diarrhea.
Stupid.
He’d think I was just trying to manipulate him again.
And as I sat there, ready to crack my chest and open my ribcage to the world just to show him my heart… the darkness weighed down.
His online light never came back.
He didn’t reply.
And I lost my nerve.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
DeadGirlWalking unsent a message.
I turned off the computer and started to pace again. Waiting.
I wished I didn’t feel so sad.
I wished the clock moved faster.
By the time the sun was starting to go down, my heart wasn’t even beating hard anymore. I was just tired.
And Cain still wasn’t here.
I had to accept that he might never come. He might have given up. And there was nothing I could do about it.
I could hear Sam’s voice in my head, saying whatever came was God choosing for me. For a reason.