Page 33 of Power of the Mind

“Sounds fun.”

“Not really. More desk work. I prefer being in the field.”

“So that’s it? That’s all you’re doing tonight? Working?”

Again, I wasn’t sure of the right answer. “Yes?”

“Too bad. Ever give yourself time off?”

I shifted my weight, aware of the sweat gathering under my shirt and beading my forehead. “Yes.”

“But not tonight? Because you’re working?”

I didn’t understand the circular questioning. “Yes?” Was that not the right answer?

Tallus, still smirking, shoved away from the Jeep. “Well, have fun with your new job, Guns. I’m taking off. It’s after eight, and I need food. After watching Mackie stuff his face, I think I’ll hit a grocery store and buy a four-dollar frozen pizza to take home. If you finish your research at a reasonable time and find yourself in the area, you know, sitting outside my building for no reason at all on a Monday night after dark, feel free to join me. Just remember, I work in the morning, so try to keep it before midnight.”

My neck warmed at the blatant implication that he knew all about my stalking. Of course he fucking knew, but couldn’t we pretend he didn’t? Or at least not draw attention to it?

“Take care, Guns.” He brushed my arm as he passed, fingers lingering on my bicep, before heading for the Jetta. I felt the burning impression of his touch long after he let go and drove away.

Dammit.I should have invited him in or offered to buy him dinner, but I wasn’t that man. I could never be that man. The situation with Tallus was getting out of hand. Hell, it had gone off the rails months ago when I’d deleted Spark from my phone and started making regular house calls to Tallus’s in the middle of the fucking night. Drunk and needy house calls because I craved him to the point of insanity.

I needed to get a life.

Tallus was a wet dream. He was the foundation from where all my fantasies were built. He was perfection personified. But he was not in my league. Why on earth he continuously let me into his apartment, I had no idea. I was not worthy of Tallus Domingo’s attention.

Anything more than random hookups would be a disaster.Iwas a disaster. Besides, our rendezvous clearly didn’t satisfy him the same. It was not surprising since I was an embarrassment in the bedroom. Tallus still went dancing at Gasoline, he still flirted and fucked around with other men, and he still had Memphis over at least twice a week. Friends, my ass. It was why I couldn’t convince myself it was platonic.

I tried not to let it bother me, but it did. On a bone-deep level. It ignited my carefully controlled rage. It boiled my blood. It made me spend longer hours at the gym, punching the bag, pushing the weights, straining and sweating until I was numb and too exhausted to care.

Alone in the parking garage with the residual summer heat baking the concrete until it wafted caustic scents of urine and garbage into the air, I contemplated getting into the Jeep and driving to Tallus’s to take him up on his offer. But without liquid courage, I knew I would sit outside his apartment in frustration, unable to go inside.

My out-of-control drinking was a whole other can of worms. Dr. Peterson, my therapist, had used the wordsalcohol dependenta few months back, and I hadn’t liked it. In fact, I’d told him he was fucking wrong and left the appointment in a fury and landed at a bar.

Peterson wasn’t wrong, but the truth hurt. It was more proof that I was turning into my father, which was my biggest fear.

So no, I couldn’t go to Tallus’s, not without hitting the liquor store first, and I’d been working hard to cut back.

I crossed the street and went up to my office slash homestead, itching for a drink and craving a cigarette for the first time in weeks.Great. Just what I fucking needed.

Snagging the iPad from my desk, I headed to the other room, greeting Baby on my way to the fridge. No beer. No hard liquor. No food worth eating.

I slammed the door and collapsed on the loveseat.

Tallus and his frozen pizza filled my thoughts, and I debated taking a trip across town, but instead picked up the phone to order takeout because I was a useless, no-good fucking coward.

Tallus was a tease. Tallus liked to flirt and play games. But it was an act. He seemed entertained by how easy it was to make me uncomfortable, tongue-tied, and stupid, but we both knew I wasn’t dating material. I couldn’t give him affection and attention. I couldn’t share a bed or conversation. Fuck me, I couldn’t even kiss the guy. Intimacy was beyond my limits, and it frustrated Tallus to no end. He might not complain about it anymore, but I knew. I could see the disappointment in his eyes every time I failed.

So yeah, Tallus might tolerate me—although I wasn’t sure why—but he didn’t want more. Not really. I was adequate for occasional random hookups, a sufficient if unsatisfactory appetizer, but he didn’t want a full course serving of Diem Krause every day of his life. No one did. There were delicacies out there far better than me.

And with less baggage.

I buried myself in research for the rest of the night, trying to eject Tallus from my mind, but at quarter past eleven, I found myself parked outside his apartment, staring longingly at the sheer curtains covering a particular window on the seventh floor. A light was on. Tallus was awake and wandering about. He would notice me at some point, but I didn’t care.

I wouldn’t go inside. Not tonight. Not sober. No matter how inappropriate my actions, no matter what this stalking behavior said about me—that I was a fucking pathetic loser—It didn’t matter.

I just… needed to be near him.