Page 103 of Alfie: Part One

He wasn’t convinced, and it cranked up the guilt. No fucking wonder. I’d given him the words, but I hadn’t shown him. In terms of my behavior, compared to what we used to share, I had one foot out the door now, and I was certain he could sense it. Otherwise, he wouldn’t bring it up.

The problem was, if I expressed what I wanted—if I let my actions reflect my deepest wishes—I wouldn’t be able to leave.

So what was I to do when my ex-husband, whom I couldn’t get over, needed reassurance and comfort, all while doing an awful job of hiding it? Was I supposed to forget our painful past? Was I supposed to ignore that he was now a fucking mobster? Was I supposed to throw caution to the wind and not consider our son and daughter first?

I cupped his face in my hands and kissed him when I had no words to give him.

My resolve was weakened but not shattered. Not yet. Even when I… Fuck. Even when I acknowledged to myself that if it were up to Alfie, we might have a second chance at a future together. He’d put himself out there with his raw honesty, which was so him. He’d said there was no moving on for him. But what would that future look like? Just entertaining the idea hurtme. Lies would become a standard practice because of what he did for a living. My father would undoubtedly find out once the rumors started flying. I’d have to get used to living with the need to look over my shoulder wherever I went. Maybe I’d even face consequences at work. I didn’t fucking know.

I had one more problem, though. I wasn’t sure a mile-long list of cons could win a war against the fact that I could not for the life of me let go of him.

“Let me take care of you,” I murmured into the kiss. “We can’t go to bed until I’ve seen you lose it.”

He shivered against me and nodded.

He took the lead, and I followed him into his bedroom. Big and open, maybe slightly empty, though that California King was more than a little inviting.

I hadn’t considered the layout up here, but I liked that the space was shared with the rooftop terrace. The pale glow from the moon shone through the glass doors and two windows. This was Alfie’s space—although, I did see one of Ellie’s Barbie dolls on the right-side nightstand.

When she was little and had a nightmare, she’d come to us at night, teary-eyed but trying to be brave, and she’d said her doll or whatever toy wanted to sleep in our bed. She’d had to stay too, of course. She couldn’t possibly leave her doll behind.

Grief slashed through me, a familiar feeling that refused to fade, because I’d never get that again. We’d been such a good family because we’d all lovedbeinga family. Alfie and I had gone all in on the weekend breakfasts, the outings, and… The rougher times too, like when Trip had recovered from his traumatic start in life. Months of nightmares from biological parents who’d neglected him, left him on his own, and mistreated him. Or just the average Wednesday when Ellie had screamed bloody murder because it was bath time.

Before Alfie, I’d been half hopeful, half resigned about children. There’d been a lot of maybes and doubts because I’d never met anyone I’d wanted to start a family with. But Christ… All that had obviously changed with him, and we’d discovered we were born to be Trip and Ellie’s parents.

“Come on. I can give you a grand tour in the morning…” Alfie grabbed my hand and pulled me toward the bathroom.

I flicked another glance at the bed, and I made a face as unwelcome images flooded my brain.

Before he could open the door, I yanked him to me and nodded at the bed.

“Promise me another man hasn’t shared that bed with you.”

What I really wanted to say was,promise me another man neverwillshare that bed with you.

He looked up at me, confused. “I told you?—”

“I need to hear it. Maybe you brought someone home and fooled around, then stopped before things could get heavy.”

He let out a breath and closed the distance between us with a soft kiss and a hand to my neck.

“You’re the last man I kissed, sucked off, and got fucked by,” he whispered against my lips. Music to my fucking ears. Except, my mind was still on the future. “There’s no one else, West, and no one’s come close.”

There’s no one else.

My eyes burned behind closed lids, and all I could do was kiss him back. I couldn’t have it both ways. Eventually, he would move on, regardless of what he believed tonight. And then, he’d wake up in the middle of the night with someone else’s arms wrapped around him when Ellie came in because…her doll had had a nightmare.

It sickened me.

I kissed him harder and swallowed his whimper, and I welcomed a new round of clinginess from him. He plasteredhimself to me, and a surge of energy flowed between us. He could suddenly feel my own desperation, couldn’t he?

When he couldn’t find the doorknob behind him, I reached out and opened it, and then we were back to removing each other’s clothes. What was left of them.

I turned on the lights when he pushed down my pants and boxer briefs, and I noticed it was a dimmer switch. One of the few features he’d loved about my house when it’d been his too.

I dimmed the lights and gave the room a cursory glance. True enough, large shower. The whole bathroom was covered in mosaics in shades of grayish blue, with the tiled floor ranging in darker hues.

Alfie kept things tidy, always had, with the exception that every area needed what he called a crap drawer or some sort of container. He had wooden box on the counter next to the sink, and it was labeled “Et cetera.” If I were to dig through it, I’d find Ellie’s hair ties, nail clippers, hair product samples, and crap no one had a designated space for.