Page 58 of Alfie: Part One
“I just wanna come to an agreement about what I said earlier when you mentioned going on dating apps,” he said. I side-eyed him and furrowed my brow, and he shifted in his seat. “We’re never gonna become the exes who cheer each other on when we meet new people. I know how I fucked things up, and I’ll livewith that till I die. So I ask for mercy or whatever. Spare me any details about who you date.”
He was serious.
More than that, he believed I was in that next phase of my life where I was gearing up to move on with someone else. Given the date I’d had with Lance, perhaps it wasn’t weird Alfie thought I was ready to be out there more, but Christ… To me, this only proved how little he grasped how fully he’d fucked me up.
I could barely get out of my head long enough to watch the news in the evenings. How in the actual fuck was I going to take an interest in another man? I had the attention span of a toddler with a drinking problem.
I took a breath and… “Alfie, you went from waging war against me whenever I brought up your changes, shutting me out of your life when we broke up, utter silence for two years unless it involved our children, to now confessing what you’ve lied about, admitting to the changes you had, in fact, gone through, and doing a complete 180 in your appearance.” I paused as he winced and looked away. “Dating could not be further from my mind, because I’m too busy processing your split personality.”
He nodded with a dip of his chin, keeping his gaze trained on the kids.
I could only see half his face.
I swallowed and knew I had to let him know that I’d spoken to my dad.
Despite it all, Alfie deserved to know the odds had been stacked against him from the beginning—and the part I’d played in that mess.
“With that said—” I cleared my throat “—I was ignorant and threw you to the wolves when I introduced you to my family.”
He looked to me sharply, and it was my turn to focus on the kids.
“I talked to my father,” I said. “He didn’t deny anything. He essentially cornered you to tell you he knew who your biological dad was.”
He averted his stare once more, and I saw his chest rise and fall with a tremble to each breath.
“I never should have dismissed what you said about them—my mother and my sisters too,” I admitted. “In retrospect, I was…I was so adamant about believing things were going well—that we were merged as families, and… I just refused to acknowledge there were any issues.”
And this right here brought on the guilt within me. It formed a fist around my chest whenever I thought about how lonely Alfie must’ve been in those moments. And how it obviously had prompted him to change. To tone things down. Because, if I didn’t listen to him, who would? His own husband had waved him off.
I despised how this muddled things, because there were causes and effects—consequences to every action. No matter how much Alfie had lied, I was desperate to believe I knew him enough to claim he had a good heart. The best heart. He didn’t lie because he was sinister. He hadn’t lied to me because he’d gotten a kick out of it or because he hadn’t cared enough to tell the truth. He’dtriedto tell the truth—at least where my family was concerned.
It didn’t excuse his future deceit in joining the goddamn mafia behind my back, but all those changes…? My dismissal had been the starting point. He’d changed in order to protect himself from judgment from people I’d constantly taken him to meet. Alfie had always been supportive of my career, and whenever I’d asked him to come with me for a social function, he’d said yes. Knowing full well he’d be on his own against the worst in my circles, whether that was at work or within my family.
Ironically, I’d wanted him there because I loathed those people too. My field was filled with hypocrites who’d climbed from nothing to suddenly be able to afford nice suits and look down on anyone trying to get up. I’d never fucking understood it. The behavior went beyond competitiveness.
I cleared my throat again, and the guilt pushed me to go further. When I was angry, apologizing wasn’t on my radar—but right now, I needed to say something. I needed to acknowledge what I’d done.
“I’m so incredibly sorry for putting you on the front line withoutmeas your defense,” I said quietly. “I understand how and why you felt the need to modify your behavior.”
He turned back to me with a confused expression, as if this had been the last thing he’d expected.
Truth be told, whatever flew out of my mouth these days was a bit unpredictable. My apology was heartfelt, but in order to get there, I had to make my way through this particular line of thinking first. I had to put myself in his shoes; I had to think back on all those functions. And there were many of them. I’d grown up at garden parties and banquets. Discovering that my line of work came with an abundance of networking events hadn’t even fazed me.
“Thank you.”
I nodded minutely and watched Ellie, unable to decipher the look in Alfie’s eyes. A young woman was gently positioning a rabbit in Ellie’s arms, and I could already predict what she wanted for Christmas.
I released a breath and started gathering the paper dishes back on the tray. Discarded napkins too, before they ended up on the grass.
“You’re a sad monkey.”
I flicked a glance at Alfie. He didn’t smile or anything, and that was good. I was in no mood for banter or lightheartedtopics. Nothing about this was light—but sure, I bet I looked ridiculous in my damn monkey makeup.
He didn’t look too badass with his glitter butterfly either.
“We can’t all sparkle like you.” I rose to my feet and carried the tray over to the nearest trash can.
Like a flip of a switch, the grief took over again, and I was mourning the outcome of my life. How all my fucking dreams had shattered.