Page 58 of Bean
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Once I sat down, it hit me how tired I was. Frowning, I flipped through my notebook.Trouble sleeping, I’d written down earlier that week.No headache, but I couldn’t sleep. The next day:Took two hours to fall asleep.
So I was right. It had been an issue the whole week. That meant I needed to take sleep meds—which I hated because they made me drowsy all day—and make sure to get caught up. So maybe I shouldn’t spend the night at Jarek’s and go home instead? Or wait another day with taking them. Surely, one more day wouldn’t be a problem.
After using the restroom, I checked myself in the mirror. No wonder Jordan had asked if I’d had a rough night. Dark circles underlined my eyes, and I was pale as a ghost. Felt like one too.
Anger surged inside me, and I clenched my fists. I wanted to… I wanted to slap myself, knock some sense into my head. My body itched with the urge to ram my head against the wall.
No.
I was stronger than that.
I closed my eyes. A field with flowers. Sunshine on my face. A clear blue sky and the chirping of birds. It smelled like… It smelled like lavender.
Slowly but surely, my heart rate came down as I went through the steps my therapist had taught me whenever I wanted to harm myself. It didn’t happen often anymore, but on days like this, when I was tired and had a headache, I was vulnerable.
I didn’t leave the restroom until I was certain I would be able to control myself.
About half an hour later, Nash called. “What’s up?” I asked.
“Are you okay?”
“Yeah, why?”
“You left the front door open. Not just unlocked, but ajar.”
Oh crepes. “I can’t remember what happened.”
“I figured, which is why I checked the ring footage. You walked back inside to get something, I think, and came back ten seconds later…and didn’t close the door behind you.”
Guilt filled me. Something so simple, something I’d done countless times before, yet somehow, I’d forgotten. “Was anything taken?”
“No, a neighbor spotted it when walking her dog and she pulled it shut. We got lucky. She texted me to let me know.”
“I’m sorry, Nash. I was… I’m tired.”
“You haven’t been sleeping well.”
Apparently, I’d told him. “No. I need to take my sleeping pills tonight so I can catch up on sleep.”
“You’re not staying at Jarek’s?”
“I guess not.”
“Okay. Want me to text you a reminder tonight?”
I fought the urge to snap at him. He wasn’t doing anything he hadn’t done a thousand times before, but for some reason, it annoyed me today. “Sure.”
He was quiet for a while. “Are you sure you should be working?”
Was he serious? He was the second person today to question my ability to work. As much as I would’ve loved to delete the conversation with my mother from my brain, it had decided to remember that unpleasant exchange. Of course it had. “What else do you want me to do, sit on my ass all day and twiddle my thumbs?”
“I meant today, Bean. Should you be working right now? Clearly, something’s off.”
“I’m fine, okay? As fine as I ever will be, what with my crappy brain. Now, please stop coddling me, would you? My own mother is bad enough.”
I ended the call before he could respond. Nash meant well, but like Jordan had said, I needed to respect my limits. If I didn’t communicate my boundaries properly, he’d walk all over me. I appreciated his concern and him looking out for me, but I was sick and tired of people trying to micromanage me and tell me what I could and couldn’t do.