Page 66 of Bean
I nodded, then jotted down a quick note so I wouldn’t forget.
Dr. Hanley checked her watch. “I’m sorry, Bean, but we have to wrap this up. My next appointment is waiting. I want to see you again next month unless something happens again, okay?”
I bit my lip. “I’m sorry for what I said. I didn’t mean to imply that…”
She held up her hand. “You were right. I don’t know what it’s like. I have Crohn’s, so I know what it’s like to live with a chronic illness and to have severe limitations in what I can do, but it’s not the same. It’s an expression we easily use as doctors, saying we know things are hard, but we don’t. No one does unless they’ve walked in your shoes. So you were right to call me out. I shouldn’t say that so easily.”
“I’m still sorry for yelling at you.”
She grinned. “Most of your yelling was at Nash, so we’re good, Bean, I promise.”
Nash. I stole a glance at him. Was he really not upset? God, the idea of him being angry with me or, worse, disappointed… It brought a heaviness to my belly and a bitter taste to my mouth. I owed him so much.
Nash patted my knee. “We’ll talk in the car, but we’re good, Bean. I promise.”
I said goodbye to Dr. Hanley, and then Nash and I made our way back to the car. Still in the parking lot, I half-turned to Nash. “I’m so sorry for saying all that. I’m so grateful for everything you do for me, and I didn’t mean to imply I’m not.”
“You didn’t, but we’ll talk once we’re driving, okay?”
Once we were on the way, he said, “I’m glad to finally see you angry. Like Dr. Hanley, I was waiting for it all to come out.”
“You never said anything.”
“It’s your journey. I don’t know what it’s like to live in your body, with your brain, so all I could do was wait and be there for you.”
Tears welled up in my eyes all over again. “I don’t deserve you.”
“That’s where you’re wrong. You’re my brother, Bean. That’s enough.”
“It’s not a balanced relationship. You do so much more for me than I’ll ever be able to do for you.”
“I’d like to think that being a family means not keeping score, but I understand that’s hard in your position, so let me say this. I know you don’t see it, but I’m grateful for you, Tameron, and Creek moving in with me. You may have actual injuries—some visible and some not—whereas I don’t, but I need you as much as you need me.”
I frowned. What did he mean? Nash was the most self-assured man I’d ever known. What could he possibly need me, need us for? “I don’t understand.”
“I’d be dead lonely without you guys,” Nash said softly. “My grandparents are gone, my parents have rejected me, and you’re all I have.”
His quiet words pierced my soul. How had I never seen this? I’d always considered it a kind of charity that Nash allowed us to live with him, something he was doing for us. I’d never realized he needed us too. Sad as it was, it also made me feel better, as ifour relationship wasn’t quite as unbalanced as I had made it out to be.
“I want to be a better friend to you, to be there for you as much as you support me. Tell me how to do that. I know it’ll have to be somewhat forced because I’ll have to write it down and remind myself, but I want to, Nash. I want to be your friend.”
He took his time answering, but that was okay. Nash rarely said anything without thinking it through. “Allow me to take care of you. That’s all I ask. And maybe ask me how my day was every once in a while.”
“Hold up. How is allowing you to take care of me being your friend?”
Another drawn-out pause. “Because I need to feel useful, like I’m making a difference. It may not be healthy, but it is what it is.”
I scratched my chin. “You’re saying that allowing you to take care of me is giving you a sense of purpose?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, that’s the easiest ‘yes’ ever then.”
He chuckled. “I appreciate that, but make sure you mean it. When you had your…episode…two days ago, you said I was coddling you.”
“I did?” I couldn’t remember anything from that day and had barely made any notes, so I couldn’t rely on those either.
“It was your mother’s birthday, so I suspect you may have had a run-in with her earlier that morning.”