Page 71 of Bean

“We all use that,” Bean said quietly.

“We used it for everyday stuff, but also for…for when we were out on hookups,” I confessed, glancing away. “I haven’t used it in years, and I kind of forgot about it. I blocked Gio on everything after the divorce hearing, but I forgot that was on my phone. He tracked me to my new place and let himself in.”

Bean’s eyes widened. “Without knocking?”

I almost laughed. It was fucking adorable that he was so affronted by Gio’s bad manners. I hoped to god they never met. I would ruin Gio before he could open his mouth, but I also didn’t trust him not to find a way to hurt Bean before I got the chance to shut him up.

“He’s not a good guy.”

Bean frowned at me. “I don’t know how someone like you ended up with someone like that.”

I sighed, leaning back, and looked toward the ceiling. “It’s complicated. I was insecure and lonely growing up. When I firstrealized I was gay, the world wasn’t like it is now. Celebrities were out, but gay marriage wasn’t legal, and the military was?—”

“Oh. Yeah,” Bean said softly. “I know.”

I smiled so he’d know I wasn’t angry about it. “Things changed in this sudden avalanche—and I think Gio and I rushed to get married just to prove we could. I’d always wanted a husband, and he wanted to stick double middle fingers to all the bigots who wouldn’t let us live our lives the way we wanted. It took me a while to realize he would have married anyone that day.”

Bean shifted a little closer. “I’m sorry.”

“No. It is what it is. It took time to find the courage to admit that he and I would never be compatible. There was no middle ground for us. The only option we had was one of us was happy while the other sacrificed everything we needed to be content.”

“And you were the one who gave up everything,” Bean said.

I swallowed thickly. “I know that makes me sound weak. Maybe I am?—”

“Oh my good goose,” he said, grabbing my hand. His words made me grin in spite of the way I was feeling. He lifted my knuckles to his lips and kissed them. He let it linger until I was warm all over. “You’re not weak. You put up with me.”

I rolled my eyes and tugged at him until he flopped over my lap, and I arranged him the way I wanted. His weight was perfect and heavy against my thighs, and I wrapped my arms around his waist. “First of all, there’s no putting up with you. There’s being with you, enjoying you, wanting you.”Loving you, I added silently. I swallowed around the heaviness of those words. “You’re not hard to be with.”

“I’m complicated,” he argued.

I snorted. “We’re all complicated. I’m on the back end of middle age with arthritis, no ability to cook for myself, and self-esteem that’s only just broken sea level. Your problems are more present sometimes, but that doesn’t make you difficult.”

He looked like he wanted to say more, but instead, he leaned in to kiss me. Bean didn’t always take the lead, so I let him guide me into what he wanted. But as he began to rock against me, I realized I wasn’t hard.

I felt good about the way I left things with Gio, but there were still scars, and they were stinging. I gentled the kiss, then pulled back and licked my lips. “Sweetness, I know it’s against the rules?—”

Bean raised a brow at me.

“And I know we make our own rules,” I said, quoting myself, “but I…shit.”

“What is it?” he whispered.

“I don’t want you to take this the wrong way.”

I felt him stiffen. “Just say it. Please.”

I bowed my head and nodded. “I don’t think I can have sex tonight. I know I shouldn’t have invited you over if we weren’t going to go there, but seeing Gio kind of fucked with me and being with you makes it better.I know that makes me selfish, and I will happily take you home if that’s what you want.”

“Hey.” Bean put a finger under my chin and forced me to look up at him. “Friends with benefits, right?”

“Yes.”

“It doesn’t always have to come together, does it? We can have the friends part on its own, can’t we?”

Something in me cracked and I gave in to the urge to yank him close and bury my face against his chest. “Yeah.”

He laughed softly, stroking his fingers through my hair. “You’ve been there enough for me. Let me return the favor.”