Page 93 of Bean

“But then why wouldn’t he explain what I did wrong? How can he walk away from me like that when I love him?” I burst out. “I fucking love him!”

Heath gasped. “Sorry, I’ve never heard you curse before.”

“He doesn’t, usually,” Nash said, studying me with concern in his eyes.

For once, I didn’t care. I didn’t care about my parents or about what they would think of me. I didn’t care about the voice inside my head that was always judging me for every sin I committed or about the guilt and shame that filled me. I didn’t care about anything anymore except Jarek. I wanted Jarek.

“I’m gonna be alone for the rest of my life…” My voice broke at the end, but I couldn’t help it. “I’m gonna die alone and lonely, without anyone who loves me.”

A red haze came over me, and before I realized it, I grabbed my empty plate and threw it against the wall, where it shattered into a gazillion pieces. My full water glass followed, and I would’ve gone for Tameron’s plate as well if Nash hadn’t grabbed my wrist. “You’re spiraling, Bean. Take a breath. Focus.”

Where I normally would’ve responded to his stern voice, it now only threw gasoline on the angry fire burning inside me. I snatched my wrist from his grip and jumped up from my chair, shoving it back so hard it fell over. “Don’t fucking touch me.”

Silence filled the room, everyone staring at me in shock. Heath inched a little closer to Creek, who wrapped his arm around him protectively. As if Heath needed to be safeguarded from me. As if I was the problem.

Maybe I was. Maybe this was all my fault. Maybe everything I had done wrong in my life was now coming back to me in the form of God’s wrath. Had he punished me by taking my brain?

“Bean…” Nash rose too, holding out his hands in a placating gesture. “Take a deep breath, kid. Don’t let yourself spin out of control.”

“I’ve worked so hard to get better, and what did it get me? Nothing. Nothing works. Nothing will ever make me normal again. I will always be this…this freak with the scrambled brain who can’t remember anything. And one day, you guys will get tired of me, too, and you’ll walk away from me like everyone else. Because you have to be perfect to be loved, right? If you’re not perfect, if you don’t conform to how others want you to be, you’re not worthy of love. I’m not worthy of love, and I never will be.”

The words were tumbling out, one after the other, originating from a part of my brain that I hadn’t even known held these thoughts. Had I forgotten them like everything else in my life?

“That’s not true,” Tameron said, sounding shaken up. “We love you the way you are, Bean, scrambled brains and all.”

“That’s pity,” I fired back. “That’s not love. You pity me, and you’re tolerating me because you’re loyal…and because Nash tells you to.”

“Bullshit,” Creek said forcefully. “And deep down, you know better.”

“No, I don’t. Because if I was worthy of love, why did Jarek walk away from me? Why did he act as if he loved me, only to break my heart?”

The volcano inside me erupted, the lava of fury spilling over. I stumbled over to the wall and slammed my head against it. Someone shouted something, but it barely registered with me.

I headbutted the wall again. How could something hurt yet be satisfying at the same time?

“Bean, stop!” Nash said, grabbing me.

I spun around to evade him but tripped and slammed into him, sending both of us crashing to the floor. Two seconds later, Nash was on top of me, pinning me to the floor. “Get off me!” I screamed, kicking wildly.

But he held me down, not giving an inch, not even when my knee hit him in the ribs. He just shifted his weight and used it to hold me down.

And just like that, the fight left me…and I started sobbing.

Loud wails came out of me, and Nash let me go. I rolled onto my side and curled into a fetal position. How could I face them after what I had done?

I’d hurt Nash. Oh good God, I’d hurt Nash.

But before I could even process the potential consequences, two strong hands picked me up as if I weighed nothing, and Nash put me on his lap like a small child, tucking me against his chest. He was sitting on the floor holding me, and I lost it. So much sadness, anger, and fear came out of me that I couldn’t stop crying until my tears literally ran dry and everything hurt.

When I looked up, everyone else had left, and it was just Nash and me. His jaw was already bruising, and I winced. “I hurt you.”

“You did, but not on purpose.”

“What?”

“You were trying to evade me, and you tripped. You didn’t mean to hurt me, and after that, you panicked.”

If I’d had more tears, I would’ve started crying all over again. “I don’t deserve your friendship…”