Page 99 of Bean

Whatever I did, I’m sorry.

Can we talk?

I looked through my notebook and couldn’t find any references to what happened. I just want to know.

I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I would appreciate it if you could talk to me.

I get the message. I’ll leave you alone.

I could hear the last one in his voice, his tone defeated. If I closed my eyes, I could picture the look on his face full of sadness and confusion. The list had upset me, but I couldn’t hate him for his feelings. Falling in love was my own fault.

We’d had an agreement, and just because he was having a good time with me didn’t give me the right to expect feelings. Bean was dealing with enough shit in his life. I didn’t need to add to it by ghosting him.

Cracking my knuckles, I flexed my fingers over the keyboard and finally typed a response.

I owe you an explanation. Can I come by to talk?

“What are you doing?”

I jumped in my chair, then turned to see Ivy, who’d walked in late and had been avoiding me all morning. I had a feeling why, but I wasn’t in the mood to confront her about it. The love bite on her neck told me everything though.

“Having an absolute gay panic over talking to Bean,” I told her.

She rolled her eyes. “Are we misusing gay panic now?”

“We’re reappropriating it as a new meaning for this situation,” I snarked, leaning back. “I’m gay, and I’m panicking.”

She clicked her tongue and reached out, stroking my cheek with her long nails. “Aww, baby.”

“Don’t matronize me.”

Ivy laughed and leaned in, dropping a kiss on the end of my nose. “I love you. And it’s going to be fine.”

My laptop pinged.

“No, it’s not.” Shoving her gently to the side, I leaned in and squinted since I wasn’t wearing my readers. He’d replied.

Bean: I’m at work today. We don’t have to do this. I understand.

Me: You don’t, and I’d really like to explain, but I respect you if you don’t want to see me.

Bean: Will you promise to be honest and tell me exactly what happened?

Me: Yes.

Bean: Come by at two. Zayd is sending me home early. Meet me in the back parking lot.

Glancing at the clock, I realized I had exactly twenty minutes to get there which I could make if I left right now. “I need to?—”

“Go,” Ivy said. “Fix this.”

I looked over at her as I stood up. “You know there’s nothing to fix, right? I can’t make someone love me who doesn’t.”

“Trust me when I say there’s a damn good chance that there’s something you missed in this whole thing. Don’t walk in so defeated, babes. Have hope.”

That was easy for her to say now that her love life was sparking. But it wasn’t fair for me to rain on her parade, so I turned and walked out, bypassing my car because it would be alot faster for me to hoof it the few blocks over than try to find street parking at this time of day.

The sidewalks were crowded, but I managed to slip through the small crowds of people browsing shops, and eventually, the bar came into view. My heart slipped into my throat, beating so hard it felt like I was choking, but I had to be brave.