Page 78 of Feint

He licked his lower lip as I blushed and did a fast spin, almost tripping in my heels. He stood up and walked over, resting his hand under my chin as he lowered his lips inches from mine.

“I already can’t wait to get you home later and rip this dress off you,” he whispered before pulling my lips up into his as he placed his other hand at the small of my back, pulling me against his body.

This was why it was so hard to decide what I wanted to do. It was moments like this, where he held me close against his body and his lips covered mine, when I really felt like he did care about me… that he did really love me. But would someone whoreally loved me just leave me abandoned for weeks on end after something like what had happened to me? I was so tired of guys just doing what they wanted without thinking about how I felt, without asking me what I could handle. And when had I become someone who let a guy tell me what I could do? I had sworn that I would never let that happen.

I pulled back slightly and looked into his pretty green eyes. I had feelings for Kordell. And tonight would be a deciding factor in a way. If he started to turn over a new leaf and treated me like I wasn’t just some girl to look pretty with him, then we could work on it. I would tell him everything I was feeling in the morning, and if he didn’t like it, well, then he would be helping me make my decision easier.

We pulled apart, his hands moving down my ass. We parted and walked down the stairs, where he grabbed my Viper’s keys off the hook, and we walked outside together. The one thing Kordell did know was that no one drove my cars without my permission, so he handed me my keys as we got to the car, and I hopped into the driver’s seat.

“Where to?” I asked as he leaned over and set his phone up where I could see the map.

I turned on my Viper and started to back out onto the street. God, I loved this car, just the pure power at my fingertips always brought a smile to my face. I started to drive, and Kordell turned on some music in the background. A nonstop pop station by the sounds of the songs playing. I kept fidgeting with my foot as we drove. But the longer we sat in silence, the more I knew I really couldn't wait until tomorrow morning, no matter how badly I wanted to.

“So, are we just going to pretend you haven’t been around lately and that it was okay for you to ghost me after all of that went down?” I blurted as I drove through the windy roads of the Hills.

Kordell looked over at me, the smile leaving his face. “Mama, did you think I didn’t want to be here? I mean, shit, I wouldn’t have fucking left if it was up to me, but that shit that went down was bigger than just the two of us. Damien needed me to help get the club on track. We didn’t know who else might have been a part of the betrayal within. It was a lot of work. Half the days, I didn’t even get more than a couple of hours of sleep.” He looked out front and ran his fingers through his dark hair, pushing it out of his face. “But I could have at least checked in more. I figured you were my tough girl. Guess you really are just like any other woman, needing reassurance constantly. I did have one of the guys I trusted come down to keep an eye on you, and he messaged me daily so I knew you were safe. Cut me a little slack, all right?”

I let his words sink in. I hadn’t been imagining things. I had been followed around the city. Did that mean he really did care? And I knew he had to help his club out. I knew this really threw them all for a loop. Maybe I was being selfish.

I shook my head.

No! I wasn’t going to devalue my feelings about this. He’d admitted he should have been here, so he was agreeing with me. There was no reason to belittle myself.

“Yeah, you should have. Kordell, I’m tough, but what I went through… that was really freaking scary. And I really needed my boyfriend to be here when it was all over, and you weren’t. I know you have responsibilities, and I appreciate you trying to make sure I was safe. But you should have been the one to do that, not some random guy. I’m just not sure how I feel about everything anymore, and I really want to go out tonight and let loose and just forget those things ever happened.”

I took a few long, deep, calming breaths as I waited for his reply, my eyes locked on the road so I wouldn’t look over at him and get the feeling of wanting to cry.

“You’re right, mama. I should have, and I’m sorry. It’ll be different going forward—you’ll see. Let me make it up to you tonight, all right? You can blow off whatever steam you have, and I’ll drive home, so don’t even worry about it.”

He reached over and placed a hand on my thigh. I glanced down at it as the warmth from it sank into my body.

“O-okay,” I stuttered.

There was still so much I wanted to say, but I couldn’t get the words to form.

An hour later, I sat there at the bar with Kordell, and all his friends. I knew why he had picked this place now—he had known they would be here. Not that he wanted to take me someplace nice, just the two of us. They were all happy and excited that things had been going pretty good for the club lately. I knew we had talked on the way here, and he had said he was going to do better, but right now, sitting on this cold leather-topped barstool, I felt so dang alone. And it sucked.

I looked around the club at all the people having so much fun, drinking and dancing with their friends. And I couldn’t help but envy them. They looked like they were really getting lost in this moment together. And I just felt like I was here by myself, and by the rate Kordell was drinking, it looked like I was going to be the DD, after all. There went my chance to really let loose. The girls near us all went wild—must have been a song choice they really wanted.

Like I put on a face, because in a way I wanted to just forgive Kordell, and all of the things that had happened to me because of him. But, deep down, I was tired of always being the one to have to forgive and be okay with how he did things.

Kordell was having someone follow me around when he was at the clubhouse. He had even blamed me, after we had sex the last time he was down, for easily trusting a stranger that had gotten me taken in the first place.

Which had upset me, but nothing upset me about Kordell’s behavior more than what I was told about the things he had done while I was held captive. That he had… killed people.

And it wasn’t like I had been overly cautious, and maybe that part was on me for being too trusting in people. But that didn’t mean I was going to make the same mistake twice. And that didn’t mean he had to watch my every move, waiting for me to mess up again. And to be completely honest, Kordell doing all the things he was doing made me believe what Mack and the other sergeant had said. I wasn’t so sure if Kordell was a good person deep down, if his feelings were even real, or if he was just using me and my emotions to pay for his lifestyle and used love as a tool to control me.

My friends had even tried to tell me once that he wasn’t good for me. I didn’t listen. I didn’t even believe them. Heck, I had thought it was because of the time Kordell had mistaken them for messing around with me and that was why none of them liked him. But maybe there was truth behind their words all along. And maybe I was too stupid to see it. But now that my mind was thinking more clearly, I was just not sure if I’d wanted to believe it back then. Because if I wasn’t with him, then I was afraid my feelings for AJ would consume me again and take me back into the darkness I had slowly crawled out of when he left.

He placed his hand on my thigh, which snapped me out of my thoughts, and a shiver went up my back as I turned away from the dancers to look at him. He had a smile on his face, but his eyes were cold as he looked at me. Had they always been like that from the start? Was I overthinking things now?

“Why are you frowning, mama? This is supposed to be a fun night, remember? Lighten up and have another drink.” Kordell’s voice hit my ear as he leaned in, and his breath reeked of alcohol.

I bit my lip a bit. I didn’t want it to be true. I didn’t want to believe that Kordell had killed people and was using me. Therewas no way the man who made me laugh, made me feel alive again after everything before, was a murderer, right?

If it were true, I was just as much in danger with him as I was with those other guys.

I turned my face and kissed his cheek and forced a smile on my lips. “Sorry, just distracted about work. Things sure did pile up when I was… gone.”