Page 54 of Drowning Erin
“You have it.” He pulls her closer. I think he’d drape his whole body over her like a cape if she’d allow it. "Let'sgo."
Olivia—who on a normal day takes orders from no one—leans against him and follows blindly. I've watched it before, but today it makes my eyes well over. In part because I'm so happy for them both, that they found each other. And in part because it reminds me what I've lost: Olivia is able to lean on Will because he's never let her down. I once thought I had the same with Rob, but he’s done nothingbutlet me down these past few months. Maybe even for the past four years, though I haven’t seen it untilnow.
I get the crew out the door, with Brendan still nowhere to be found. We head down to the mountain’s base, where the race will start, and then begin the process of double-checking everything. Given that we’re going to end up a hundred miles from where we began, leaving something necessary behind could present a real problem later in the day. And the whole time I’m taking inventory, I’m trying not to think about Brendan, but I seem unable to think of anythingelse.
God. What was wrong with me last night?I was ready to do anything he wanted. Without a condom, for God’s sake. And withBrendan, who never sleeps with anyone twice. Who, if Rob and I work things out, will be the best man at our wedding. It would have ruinedeverything.
And yet I think about that kiss, and I know I regret the interruption. I’ll be thinking about that kiss on my deathbed and wishing, just once in my life, I’d allowed myself to have what I actuallywant.
It's 10 minutes until the 5 AM start when Olivia appears, a grim, forced smile on her face. Everyone hugs her, which she bears with something approaching grace, and then she slings the Camelback over her shoulder and walks toward the start with Will still at her side, a cross between bodyguard and avengingangel.
"You think she's okay?" Brendan asks, coming up behindme.
My whole body stiffens, as if I need to shield myself from him, whereas he seems completely relaxed, as if nothing hashappened.
I tell him briskly that Olivia’s always like this before races, and then I head in another direction. Maybe he’s capable of putting it all behind him. I suspect it’s going to take a little more effort on mypart.
* * *
Once the starting gun fires,we climb into the van and head to the first checkpoint. I make a point of sitting in the front of the van with Lee, a runner from Seattle who volunteered to come out and, like myself, will be running a portion of the race with Olivia. He’s cute in a crunchy, endurance-runner kind of way—wiry and muscular, hair down to his shoulders, sweet. He might have appealed to me before Brendan. Now I barely realize he’smale.
“You’re running the Cal Loop, right?” heasks.
I tell him I’m nervous about it, and he reminds me that Olivia will have run 70 miles by the time she gets to me, which is exactly what I keep telling myself, though it doesn’t help. And then our conversation turns to college track, which doesn’t help much either, as I was the slowest girl on the team and Olivia was thefastest.
He’s still talking about it 24 miles later, when we arrive at the first crew checkpoint. He stays by my side the entire time we’re carrying gear and setting up, and even though I’m a little tired of discussing all things related to running, I appreciate that he’s helping me avoid someone else. It’s warm enough now that Brendan’s down to a T-shirt. Just the curve of his biceps is enough to make me feel weak. Avoiding that will be my greatest accomplishmenttoday.
* * *
At 8:52 AM,Olivia blows in, looking like she just jogged across a parking lot instead of running a hard 24 miles through themountains.
“You’re in the lead, babe,” says Will with a broadgrin.
She smiles, collapsing in a chair. “Don’t jinx me.” But she’s over her early-morning qualms. He pulls her shoes off to check for blisters and changes her socks. “Where are my babies?” sheasks.
“On the way. Mom called, and everyone just woke up. They’ll be at the next stop. You okay?” Will asks, raising a brow and nodding in the direction of her chest. “You’re looking a little swollenthere.”
“I fed her this morning before we left,” she says. “I’mfine.”
“Oh my God,” Brendan says with disgust. “I thought you were talking about Olivia’sfeet.”
Olivia scowls at him. “With all the shit we’ve heardyoutalk about, you’re giving us crap for discussing breastmilk?”
“Yes. Jesus. The only thing worse is when Mom and Peter talk about needing ‘alone time’, like none of us knows whatthatmeans.”
“Nursing is a part of life, Brendan. You’ll see when you have kids of yourown.”
“Which is never happening, thank Christ,” hereplies.
Remember that,Erin.Listen to the words coming out of hismouth.
He doesn’t want a wife. He doesn’t even want a girl he’s slept with more than once. If I remember nothing else, I need to remember all of those things if I catch myself wanting to think he could bemore.
After Olivia takes off, we begin packing down to drive to the next crew stop, 30 miles ahead. Lee is helping me fold chairs, telling me about some bar they saw driving in, when suddenly Brendan is in front of us both, looming over Lee, smiling at him the same way he did that football player—like he’s two seconds from throwing apunch.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” he asks me, though it sounds less like a question than ademand.
I nod, following him in silence toward the van. He opens the back, and I sit on the tail, avoiding hisgaze.