Page 56 of Parallel
I shouldn’t have asked and I also shouldn’t ask the question I’m about to, but it seems like a very lonely life out here by herself, in this depressing box of a house. “What do you do at night, when he’sgone?”
She shrugs. “Usually, I just go home. Sometimes I go out with my friends or walk down to the harbor for a while. People swing dance there when the weather’sgood.”
My spine tingles. It’s one of my two recurring dreams—me with a girl I assume is her, dancing in the grass. I never gave it too much thought until now, but I’m pretty sure we were swing dancing, that I was teaching her how. Did it happen before? Is it supposed to happen now? “And you justwatch?”
She smiles sheepishly. “I’m too uncoordinated to dance, and I’d look pretty damn silly out there alone, even if I did knowhow.”
“Anyone can swingdance.”
Her mouth opens to speak, and then closes again. Whatever she was going to say, she’s decided against it. “Notme.”
“Maybe I’ll come down there sometime and prove you wrong,” I saysoftly.
A hundred emotions flicker over her face. Love and hunger and desire and, finally, grief. I’d give anything to heal that grief, except I think I’m the source ofit.
* * *
I go to work,but the thought of Quinn and everything we’ve just learned is never far from my mind. I stare at the images from a recent scan of one my Alzheimer’s patients, studying the tangle of amyloid plaques that indicate its progression. There will be nothing happy about the conversation I’m about to have with his children. I don’t regret my decision to enter neurology, as depressing as it often is, but for the first time, I truly consider what led toit.
If Quinn’s life changed, mine must have too. Was there a part of me that somehowknewshe’d have problems this time around? Knew my best shot at finding her again was by entering a specialty she’d be likely to seek out? Or did some piece of me just long for her and attach to the discipline that led me to her in the firstplace?
There’s a tap on the door and Meg walks in. She’s been at a conference for the last week and I didn’t expect her back until later today, but based on her presence here now and how deeply unhappy she appears, I assume she came home last night instead…and wants to know why I wasn’tthere.
Guilt kicks sharply in my stomach. Even if I can cut myself some slack for what I did with Quinn, unknowingly, the bigger issue is this: discovering just how much I feel for her has proven Idon’tfeel enough for anyone else. What Quinn said last night was correct—I let things get this far with Meg because it didn’t seem fair to ask for more when Ryan wound up with nothing. But Meg deserves to be more than the penance I pay for what I did to mybrother.
“I thought you weren’t coming back until tonight,” I say, at a momentary loss forwords.
She sinks into the seat across from mine, her arms folded over her chest. “Yes, that became pretty obvious to me when you didn’t come home lastnight.”
I rock back in my chair. “I went to a show in Baltimore, and it was late so I just crashedthere.”
Her eyes narrow while she looks for the cracks in my response. Thank God it’s actually true. “Alone?” she asks. “You went to Baltimorealone?”
“Yeah,” I say. A small lie, more for her protection than my own. “But I think we need totalk.”
She freezes. I suppose the phrasewe need to talknever leads anywhere good. “Talk aboutwhat?”
I place my hands flat to the desk and force myself to say words I know will hurt her, no matter how gently I deliver them. “Meg…you’re amazing, but I don’t think this is what Iwant.”
Nothing in her face changes. She was unhappy before and she’s still unhappy. “I knew you’d do this,” she finally says, eyes narrowed. “I’ve never seen a man more scared of commitment in my entirelife.”
I rub the bridge of my nose. I should have anticipated an argument. She’s not the type to just let things go. “I don’t think that’s what thisis.”
“Of course it is!” she cries, throwing her hands in the air. “Andwhy? I’m the one who’s a child of divorce whileyourparents are still happily married! If either of us should be freaked out, it’s me. You don’t have a single reason to be scared. But you are. And that’s all this is…you’rescared.”
If she knew how I felt about Quinn she’d realize how off-base she is, but God knows that wouldn’t improve this situation. “I’m so sorry. There’s just a certain way I want to feel before I get serious with someone, and it’s not there with us. We have a nice time together, but you deserve more than I can giveyou.”
Her eyes bulge. “Are you fucking serious right now?” she demands. “We have anicetime? We’ve been together for ayear! We’ve practically lived together for three quarters of that, and all you can say is that it wasnice?”
I close my eyes. I’ve never dated anyone as long as Meg, but I’ve been through some version of this situation a thousand times. “I wanted this to work, but it isn’t fair to keep going down this path, when it isn’tright.”
“Nick,” she pleads, her voice catching, “if no one is ever right, it means you want something that doesn’t exist. We’ve had this conversation before, remember? This is just how youare.”
I thought she was right at the time. I’d dated more beautiful, intelligent women than I could count, and it never worked—because I was waiting for one specific person without ever realizing it. “I think it exists,Meg.”
It’s the wrong thing to say. Her eyes dart to mine, reminding me of a lioness zeroing in on her prey. “There’s someoneelse.”
“No, notreally.”