Page 4 of Intersect
A sob wells in my chest. He’s joking but it’s true. We’ve got no space for a baby. He’s just started his residency and I’ve just started grad school and—my God—we’ve barely been married a month. “Is this going to be okay?” I ask, as my tears start to soak through hisshirt.
“It’s going to be better than okay,” he whispers, tucking me closer, pressing his mouth to the top of my head. “I’m so happy right now I can’t even put it intowords.”
I continue to cry, though. There’s so much he doesn’tknow.
He tips my chin up with his index finger. “Honey, I know the timing isn’t perfect but we’ll figure it out. My parents will lend us money for a bigger place. We’ll get someone to help with the baby so you don’t miss class. It’s going to befine.”
His joy hurts, twists something inside me, because I want this. I want it for him, I want it for myself. I can’t bear the idea of telling him we’re having a baby and tearing it all away from him, but I’m worried that’s exactly what I’m going todo.
“I think this has happened before. When we were teenagers,” I whisper. “That dream I always have, where you’re in the convenience store and I realize I’m going to lose you? I think we were running somewhere because I was pregnant. And I feel like we got pregnant right away thentoo.”
He’s silent, and when I look up at him, his smile has disappeared. “Why does that worryyou?”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Because if it happened before, how come I don’t remember ababy?”
* * *
I wakewith a start on Caroline’s deck, my chest as tight as it was in my dream. I sit up, putting it all together, and the pain gives way to shock. Nick and I got pregnant the first time we were together, and it possibly happened in two different lives. Not just as young, stupid teenagers, but as adults who would have been extremely careful about contraception. With anyone else I’d attribute it to chance, or to carelessness, but this feels…unnatural. Rose said there were other qualities that accompanied the mutation—could some kind of super fertility be amongthem?
I spend the day able to focus on little but that dream. I’m not sure why, but it feels like a warning somehow, just like my father’s dying pleas did. Our lives end before we have a child, and we seem to follow the exact same steps everytime.
The real problem is that I think we’re following them nowtoo.
Now that I’ve seen it unfold, I want that future we had ahead of us as badly as I did in London. I want to be the one who makes Nick’s face light up when he gets the news. I want it to beourchild he holds for the first time. But it won’t be. All those firsts will go to someone who comes afterme.
I force the thoughts out of my head as I start to get ready to see Nick. I could very easily be newly married to Jeff right now, stuck atWashington Insiderfor the rest of my short, miserable life. But instead I’m with someone who is more than I could ever have imagined, and I’m going back to school. I need to appreciate what Ihave.
Caroline comes home just before I leave. Having no respect for personal boundaries, she pulls at the neckline of my dress to see which bra I’m wearing without asking, and then demands I go change it. “No dude wants to see that thing when he’s undressing you for the first time. Put on something lacy or freeballit.”
I laugh. As much as I wish the bra I’m wearing would be an issue, I don’t see how it could be, given that there’s no place we can be alone. “No one is getting undressed,” I tell her primly. “This is only our seconddate.”
“I’ve had sex on a second date,” sheargues.
I grin. “That would probably carry more weight if you didn’t also have sex when there’s been no date at all. I’m sleeping on your couch and he’s got his ex-girlfriend dropping by all the time, so it can’thappen.”
She frowns. “That is a huge red flag, by the way. Why does she still have akey?”
“She’s taking over his lease,” I reply, rubbing lip balm on. “It’s really not a bigdeal.”
She ignores me. “Remember Russell? The guy who always had an excuse for why he needed to stay here instead of his own place? He was homeless. I didn’t find out until a few monthslater.”
I laugh again. Caroline has had some good experiences with men and a wealth of abysmal ones. I’m sure she has a horror story for every possible situation. “Nick is a neurologist. Russell wasn’t employed. I feel like their situations are somewhatdifferent.”
“I’m just saying that no matter how hot the guy is, you’ve got to watch out for red flags. Go change yourbra.”
I push her away from me as she reaches for my zipper. “He’s not going to see my bra! Where would that evenhappen?”
“Public restroom, back of his car, parking garage, mail room, alleyway, that couch because I’m happy to clear out on your behalf…” she says, ticking them off on her fingers. “Shall I continue or are you going to change yourbra?”
I stick my tongue out at her. “Fine, but the joke’s on you when nothinghappens.”
Her face grows grave. “Oh Quinn, that won’t be a joke at all. That will be a tragedy, because you need a good shag more than anyone I’ve everknown.”
I don’t argue. Given how I respond when Nick merelykissesme, I have no doubt she’scorrect.
* * *
Because I’ma little unnerved by what might come out of Caroline’s mouth when she meets Nick, I tell him to meet me in the lobby rather than the apartment. He’s already there when I walk off the elevator, his eyes lighting up as Iapproach.