Page 48 of Shadow of Death

I got to my feet, trying to gain some physical ground. It didn’t work as well as I planned—I’d forgotten for a second how much height Kicks had on me. “I’m not telling him he has to go speak to you if he comes looking for me. Stalling is the best choice. You know I’m right.”

He turned to me. “If you had your powers, it would be different. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you did. You’d be long gone.”

I stopped speaking, the turn of the argument stealing my wind. Any truce, even for a second as we fought over the best way out of this mess, felt as if it had crashed.

If I left it up to him, this conversation might’ve ended right then, but I couldn’t stand it anymore. If he was going to hate me, then so be it. But I was done running from a fight—from Death, from Varic, and, most of all, from Kicks. Not from him.

“I didn’t want to leave you. I felt I had to. Why can’t you understand that? What if you thought I would never want to look at you again? That I’d be disgusted by you? That it would be a kindness to leave so that you didn’t have to deal with theaftermath of what happened?” I found myself pacing the room, and then over by the window, putting as much space between us as I could.

“Pips, look at me.”

I hesitated.

“Pips.”

I turned toward him.

He shook his head. “I could never be disgusted by you. It’s not in my DNA. Part of me wishes you had gotten away, because then you wouldn’t be here and I wouldn’t be worried every time I walk out the door.”

“Then why are you so mad at me?”

“Because if you’d just warned me, told me what you were going to do, like it or not, I would’ve gotten you out of here. I wouldn’t have had to hear about Varic threatening you or seen you in that filthy cell.”

I was still staring at him, having a hard time wrapping my head around what he was saying.

“Have you noticed I didn’t question my father’s guilt about Death Day?” he asked. “I don’t know how he was involved, what he managed to do, but I knewwhohe was. It didn’t surprise me for a second. He did something horrific and reaped the consequences. I can live with that.”

“You say that, but even now you can’t even stand to touch me.” I hadn’t meant to say that, but I was so raw, so laid open, it was as if I couldn’t stop myself.

“It was easier before, when I thought…” He shook his head again and began pacing the room, putting even more space between us.

“That I couldn’t get pregnant,” I finished. “Why are we even arguing? There’s no future for us anyway, is there?”

Every second that ticked off before he answered felt like a knife stabbing me in the chest.

“We’ll figure something out,” he finally said.

It had taken too long for him to say it. He didn’t believe it either. “Really? You’re afraid to touch me because you think I’ll get pregnant and die. I’m afraid of whatever darkness Death put in me will come roaring back and leave someone unrecognizable behind. How are either of those things going to get figured out?”

“They will.”

“Saying it doesn’t make it a reality.”

He sat and put his boots back on. “I’ve got to go check on some things.”

He left, and I didn’t try to stop him.

Chapter Twenty-One

Kicks hadn’t come backuntil late last night, and I pretended to sleep, even though he probably knew otherwise. He’d been gone before I woke in the morning.

I didn’t bother nodding to anyone in the morning as I retrieved a duster and rags. No one tried to speak to me or stop me as I left. The only acknowledgment I got was a nod from Didi.

I scanned the halls, determining where I should explore next. I wanted to know this place like the back of my hand.

There were soft footsteps on the stairs, and Aunt Elara appeared seconds later.

“There you are,” she said softly.