Page 33 of Flawless
Dani pauses for a couple of minutes and climbs off the stool. I watch as she heads down the hallway. Scrubbing my hands over my face, I try to figure out how I can help her, but I’m not sure that I can. Maybe she just wants someone to listen.
I’m aching inside to know that she’s been dealing with this without me by her side.
She returns with a box of tissues which she sets on the island in front of her as she climbs back onto the stool.
“Zenon, before I knew it, I was taking pills to wake up and pills to go to sleep at night. I started noticing that my nerves and anxieties were getting bad on top of that. Mentioning it in a passing conversation to one of my producers, Melanie Stream, she obtained a prescription for Zoloft, and she makes sure that I’m never without it.
“When she realized that the Zoloft was giving me tremors, excessive sweating, and dry mouth, she brought the studio doctor in. He suggested that I take Xanax to help with that.”
“Did he know that you were already on the oxycodone and the Zoloft?”
“Who do you think was prescribing that for me? My primary care doctor was certainly no longer doing it.”
Anger rushes through me as I think about finding that doctor and crushing his skull. What the fuck was he thinking? And this producer of hers?
“I know what you’re thinking, Z. There’s nothing that you can do about it. This is an industry-wide thing, and it’s protected at every level. We can’t get that doctor’s license revoked no more than we can get Mel fired. Everyone knows what’s going on, and I’m not the only one they’re doing that way. If they can keep us functioning to produce the billions of dollars of income that we do, they’re going to do whatever it takes to keep milking that cash cow.”
“Until the cow keels over, huh?” I ask.
“Literally,” she says, and I can tell that she’s thinking about what the ladies were discussing last night.
“Is that what led you to the rehabilitation center? When you passed out?”
“Indirectly, yes. I wasn’t going to go, Z. I literally was still in denial that I had an addiction. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I knew that I was hooked on oxycodone. But in my mind, everything else was simply a medication to treat something else, and I didn’t have an addiction.”
“What changed your mind?”
“Being at the rehab, it forced me to face myself and put in the work. It took a lot of hard work to get my system clean. I cannot recall the last time that I looked forward to waking up in the morning and embracing life. It’s not easy, but every morning when I wake up, I find one more reason to be grateful. I’m learning to focus on the blessings and not the past.”
“If you don’t mind me asking, what was so troubling about the past that you didn’t want to wake up? What’s so troubling about the past that you resorted to taking drugs to forget the pain?”
Danica reaches her hand out to caress my face. “Z, you wanted forever, and I could only promise you one day. That’s why I had to push you out, don’t you see?”
The only thing that I see is that she’s not answering my questions, and I can’t help but wonder why.
“No, I don’t.”
“You never really knew me.”
“I knew what mattered, Dani. I knew your heart. I knew your soul.”
“But you didn’t know my past. You didn’t know what I was capable of.”
“You could have shared it with me, and I still would have been by your side. I loved you then, Dani, and I love you now.”
Shaking her head, she says, “I’m not cut out to be anyone’s wife, Z. I’m the most selfish person that I know.”
Dani hops off the stool and leaves the kitchen. I hear the front door slam, and I know that she just wants to be alone right now. As much as I want to run after her, I won’t. I’ll give her the space and time she needs to come to me with an open heart and tells me what she’s done that was so horrible; other than breaking my heart.
I grab both plates and dump the food into the sink before turning on the garbage disposal. Rinsing the plates, I set them in the dishwasher and head to my room.
Closing my eyes, I think about the day that she tore my heart straight from my chest.
“The score is tied, ladies and gentlemen. Who will take home the FIFA World Cup? Italy or Brazil?”
“It’s anyone’s game right now, Jack.”
“This tournament is the largest soccer match in the world, but this match-up is the greatest one in history, Chris. Two of the greatest rivals going head-to-head to take the other one down.”