Page 17 of This Christmas
“I planned to tell you about Caryn.” Zane leans closer. Too close, in fact. I can smell his cologne—sandalwood and bergamot. After he left, I slept with his sweatshirt, and then cried tears on it until the scent was gone. That was another sad day for me, realizing his sweatshirt no longer smelled like him, but of me instead.
“But?”
“But I didn’t expect to find you at the farm. I went there to see your dad, to apologize to him first. My dad said I needed to make amends for the damage I caused you and your family. He’s not wrong. What I did was unforgivable. I was young and stupid, guided by powerful men and the promise of money. I got caught up in the lifestyle, the parties, the endlessness of it all. Before I knew it, you’d changed your number and when I went to Boston to see you, I found out you’d moved. My dad was so angry with me, telling me how disappointed he was. So, I thought to the hell with it and stayed.”
Zane came to Boston to see me.
Nope. Changes nothing.
“Is this where I saycool story bro? Jake says it all the time. I think it’s the hip thing to say after someone feeds you a line of reindeer droppings.”
Zane laughs. “Still swapping curse words for Christmas euphuisms?”
“Eh, what can I say?” I lift one shoulder in a weak shrug. “They’re fun.”
“They’re adorable.”
I’ll let that comment slide right under the holly jolly doormat.
“What you did for Caryn?—”
“I would’ve done it for any other city slicker. Seriously though, Iambusy. I have a stack of work, and I need to get back to the farm to deliver more trees to your dad.”
Why did you tell him?
“Thank you for taking care of him when I couldn’t.”
“Wouldn’t.” Again, with the verbal vomit.
“Right.” Zane sighs. “I intended to come back. Each time I had my mind made up, I convinced myself you were here, married with kids. Coming back and seeing you?—”
“Instead, you brought you fiancée back to town.” I give him a pointed look.
Zane drops his head and covers his face with his hands. When he looks at me, his face is red, and his eyes are brimming with tears. “Hurting you then, and now, is the last thing I ever want to do, Eve.”
“Please leave,” I say quietly.
He stands and heads toward the door. With another look at me, he tries to smile. “Can we please sit down and talk?”
“We just did.”
Zane shakes his head. “Okay.”
I hold my breath until I hear the door shut, thankful Noelle missed all of this. It’s likely I’ll fill her in, but not right now. The wound that I had long closed is open and gaping, and I’m not ready for her or anyone else in town to see how vulnerable Zane Whitaker makes me feel.
EIGHT
ZANE
All night, I lie in bed, feeling like I’m living a lie and have been for the past five years. Seeing Evangeline today brought back so many memories, all of them amazing. But it’s only when I get to the end of those memories—the one where I destroy every promise I’ve ever made because I wasn’t man enough to stand up for myself—that I realize, in hindsight, the internship wasn’t worth it.
But it was because it brought me Caryn.
She sleeps soundly next to me without a care in the world. After we talked earlier, I asked if she wanted to go to Main Street with me to look at the window displays, but she informed me she’d had enough of the small town for the day. Can’t say I blame her. I didn’t exactly do my part in keeping her from falling, but had she changed her shoes, she might have stayed upright.
Still, had Evangeline not been standing there, I would’ve paid more attention to Caryn. This makes me the worst fiancé ever, not to mention a shittyhuman. It’s my job to protect Caryn, most of the time from herself. I know she has free will and can decide whether she wants to listen to me or not, but I grew up here and I knew better than to let her walk where the trees were.
“You’re thinking too loud,” she says, groaning out the words.