Page 95 of Jackass
The stress of having a four-year-old daughter was insane.
Was I doing the right things?
Was I saying the right words?
Would she grow up with daddy issues and become a stripper if I fucked up?
Would she love me even if I told her she couldn’t do something?
I didn’t have parents.
I never learned how to raise a child. Most of us didn’t have parents that were much of anything. We were a bunch of children playing at being grown-ups, trying to do our best and stay alive.
No one ever taught me how to love a child.
No one ever taught me how to love that child’s mother. God, I loved that woman. I could feel everything she felt.
Her joy made me want to do whatever I could to keep her smiling. Her anger made me want to fight whatever made her mad, even when it was me. Her pain, though. Her pain killed me.
Seeing that tear slip down her face, knowing I was the cause. I didn’t know how to fix that.
After a few hours of riding, I still felt like I couldn’t go home. I knew King would be pissed. He had been blowing up my phone. But I just needed some time. So I sat in The Diner.
“Hey, Jack.”
Looking up at the voice, I saw James Samson, Lily’s dad. James and his wife Evelyn moved here from Arkansas when the club did. They had been best friends with Ace’s parents and when they passed away had become a second mom and dad to Ace. Hence the move following us here.
“Hey, James.”
“You look like you could use some company.”
“Have a seat,” I told him. “Can’t promise I’ll be good company, though.”
He sat on the stool next to me. Julie walked over and poured him a cup of coffee.
We sat there silently for a few minutes before he finally spoke.
“What’s got you down, Jack? I’m not used to seeing you with anything other than a smile and a sarcastic comment.”
That had me lifting the corner of my mouth.
Yea, that was me. The jokester, the funny guy.
“Can I ask you something, James?” I asked, looking the man in the eye. He was a dad. Maybe he had some insight.
“You can ask me anything, Jack,” he said, taking a sip of his coffee.
“How do you do it?”
He titled his head in confusion. “How do I do what?”
“How do you love someone and not go crazy? How do you not drive yourself mad thinking about all the ways they could be hurt?”
“Ah, this is about Charlie,” he said. “It’s not easy, Jack. And it doesn’t go away. Lily is almost twenty years old, and Evie and I still worry every single day. Eventually, you just accept that you can’t control everything, or anything really, and you learn to live with it.”
There was something in his voice. Something that sounded like he was more familiar with the fear, and the pain that came with it, then he was letting on.
“I remember when Evie was pregnant. I wanted to wrap her up in bubble wrap and hide her away until Lily was born. Then I wanted to wrap up Lily. All those emotions that come with being a dad, they suck, Jack.” He laughed.