Page 100 of Sinner's Malice
“What do you mean, she’s not talking?”
“Since the accident. She hasn’t really talked to me. Not that she really did before, but this is different. She is quieter.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“Montana said it’s because she miscarried.”
“And how does that make you feel?”
I shrugged. “I don’t feel anything. Never knew she was pregnant. Can’t miss something I didn’t know about.”
Torment frowned. “Is that how you really feel?”
“No.”
“I didn’t think so. You are one of the top experts in the field of psychiatry, specializing in childhood trauma. You love children. Prefer them to adults. You’ve said that many times. Yet you rarely practice. Why?”
Fumbling with my fingers, I mumbled, “I get attached.”
“That makes sense. You took to Harlow instantly. You love that little girl.”
“Yeah, I do,” I said, getting up from the chair, moving about the room again.
“Malice, why do you think Arianwen’s not talking to you?”
“‘Cause she’s mad at me for the accident.”
“Did she say anything? Blame you in any way?”
“No.”
“Malice, do you blame yourself for the accident?”
“It’s my fault.”
“The roads were wet. Three bikers chased you in the tunnel. One of them clipped your back tire. The accident was unavoidable.”
“It was my fault.”
“What do you mean?”
“I didn’t mean to head into the tunnel. I wanted to stay on the highway, but everything got jumbled up in my head. I tried to pay attention to the road, but everything was closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe. I had to get out of there. I saw them coming. I tried to go faster, but the tunnel never ended. I couldn’t see a way out. Then everything happened and she got hurt. It was my fault.”
I heard him shift in his seat.
Torment was smart. I knew he would catch on to what I said.
“You’re claustrophobic.”
I nodded.
“He had this box, an old chest, really. He kept it in his office. He liked to put me in there to punish me. I hated it. I couldn’t breathe in there. Even when I got too big, he would beat me until I got in the chest. He would leave me in there for hours. I’ve never liked closed spaces since. Do you think a baby can feel claustrophobic in the womb?”
“Malice, you went to medical school, just like I did. I think you already know the answer, but I will tell you what I believe. No, I believe a baby feels warmth, love, and safety.”
“That’s good.”
“The loss of a child affects everyone differently. Doesn’t matter if the child existed for a lifetime or just a few hours. For some people, the moment they learn of their child’s existence, they form an instant connection, and they feel a great loss when the child is gone.”