Page 23 of Sinner's Malice
“And I am calling on doctor-patient confidentiality. What I say in here is between you and me. You talk to anyone, and I mean anyone, I will kill you.”
Torment slowly nodded as he stood.
Holding his index finger up to his lips, I said nothing when he walked over to his desk and reached under it with his left hand.
The second I heard a click, he looked at me.
“I’ve stopped the recordings. You are free to talk.”
“I need help.”
Walking back over to his seat, he sat.
“With what?”
“I did something last night. Something I didn’t want to do, but I had to. I couldn’t stop myself. She couldn’t stop me either. Neither of us wanted it, but we knew we couldn’t fight it. It has been building for so long. I don’t understand it all.”
Torment leaned back in his chair, listening intently.
“I never wanted this. I am the product of my genetic material. Like him, I hurt everything I touch. I don’t know how to be anything else,” I admitted, balling up my fist, before turning fast and punching a hole in the wall.
Hanging my head, I murmured, “I’m evil, Zander. All I can promise her is pain. Years of pain.”
“Why do you think you are evil, Gideon?”
Turning to him, I yelled, “Weren’t you listening? I am my father’s son!”
“Why do you think that?”
“Because it’s the truth. I am just like him. I enjoy hurting others. I get off on it. The more pain I inflict, the more aroused I get. I can’t get off any other way. I’ve tried everything. Even abstinence. All that did was aggravate me more.”
“You are a dominant, Gideon. You live the lifestyle twenty-four seven. Your sexual cravings are nothing to be ashamed of. It’s just who you are. What you like. You know this. Denying who and what you are will only exacerbate any situation.”
Shaking my head, I roared, “IT’S MORE THAN THAT!”
“Then explain it to me,” Torment calmly asked. “Why? Why is being dominant so wrong?”
“Because.”
“That’s not an answer, Gideon. I can’t help you unless you talk to me.”
Shaking my head, I couldn’t tell him.
I couldn’t tell anyone. Not even Father Dominic knew. No one did. It was my shame. My burden. My punishment. And yet, I knew the longer I held it in, the more damage I was doing,not only to myself, but to those around me. I wasn’t the person everyone knew. I was something more. A danger not only to myself, but to those around me. I lived my life on a hair-trigger and anything could set me off.
“Answer me this then,” Torment said. “You asked me to call you Gideon. Why?”
“Because it’s my name.”
“Not a name you use. In fact, isn’t it true that you prefer Malice?”
“Malice is my club name.”
“It’s also the name everyone calls you. Even your clients. You are the only brother in the club who doesn’t care if the entire world knows you are a member of the Soulless Sinners. You prefer using the name Malice. The world knows you as Malice, not Gideon Scott. In fact, isn’t it true that even Father Dominic called you Malice?”
I nodded.
“He was your priest. One of the few people on this planet that you truly trusted. Yet, you never allowed him to call you Gideon. Why?”