Page 153 of On the Double

“Listen,” she said, turning to face me in her seat. “I know it’s none of my business…” She hesitated, probably because she knew what she was about to ask me was intrusive, given her own situation. “Are you okay?”

I smiled at her more than I would have if she had asked me three months ago. “Yeah, I’m good.”

“You’re sure? I hate to think of you in this house all alone.”

I looked around at the old house and smiled. “We get along pretty well. Besides, it gives me plenty of time to read.”

“You and your books,” she laughed. “I swear, I was talking to you the other day, and it was like you were lost in a good story.”

Yes, I had gone back to daydreaming, but it was mostly about getting a foot massage or having a man hold me at night with his hand pressed to my belly, telling me he would always be there for me.

I kept the face I envisioned purposely blank. If I started to wish it was Edu, I would never move past him. Even after the way he spoke to me, I was still hopelessly in love with him.

“I tend to do that a lot.”

“Thinking of a man you left behind?” Her eyes dropped to my stomach. It wasn’t huge, but it showed enough for her to realize I wasn’t just fat.

“I try not to.” I ran my hand over my stomach and sighed. “He didn’t want a family.”

“So, what made you move out here?”

I shrugged. “Better to live out here than in the same town with him.”

Her face shuddered in disbelief. “I can’t imagine.”

I smiled at her, refusing to think about it anymore. “It’s done and over with. The important thing is taking care of this one,” I said, rubbing my tummy lovingly, “and making sure I’m ready for whatever comes.”

“Have you been shopping yet?”

I hadn’t done a thing. From the moment I moved out here, I tried to get myself excited by thinking about getting some onesies or little socks, but then I thought about how I would be doing all of that on my own, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. So, instead, I distracted myself with work and getting lost in books about women who had it so much better than me.

“No, I’ll get to that soon enough.”

“What about the baby’s room? Have you decided where that will be?”

“Next to mine, upstairs.” Wow, this conversation was seriously depressing me. Thankfully, Oreo jumped up on the counter and rifled through the bags. If I didn’t get him down, he would tear into my food like the mad cat he was. It gave me the perfect opportunity to change the subject.

“I should put away these groceries before Oreo eats all of them.”

“And I should get home. Gabe will be wondering where I am. Let me know if you need more of those.”

“Thank you. I appreciate it.”

“Any time,” she said as she pulled on her hat and headed for the door. I watched her walk down the steps, holding the railing to keep from slipping on the icy steps. It was hard to believe that it was December and we were already facing such horrible weather. But it was South Dakota. I supposed the weather would always be a little colder.

After putting everything away, I snuggled on my couch under a blanket with a book. Oreo curled up on my lap, purring loudly as I slowly ran my fingers over his soft fur. But no matter how hard I tried to get into it, I couldn’t stop thinking about what Willow had said about decorating. I wasn’t even in the mood for putting up a tree, but if I kept avoiding things that would make me want a life I would never have, how would I ever move on?

Tomorrow, I would stop pretending this wasn’t really happening to me. Tomorrow, I would go shopping and get a damn tree to put up. Tomorrow, I would give my brother a call and stop avoiding the inevitable question about how I was doing.

I was here and I wasn’t crying myself to sleep every night. That had to be enough for now.

I jerkedon the rope one last time, slipping on the ice in the process. I fell on my ass, then screamed as I slammed my fist onto the porch. It was times like this I wished I had a man with me to do the hard work. But I would not be defeated. I would topple this tree and get it inside on my own.

“Harper!”

I waved at Willow as she ran over, her hand around her son Cody’s as they crossed the street. I glanced in her driveway and noted her husband wasn’t home, which was probably the only reason she was out of her house.

“What are you doing?” she laughed, walking up the steps to my house. “You should have had it delivered.”