Page 66 of On the Double
“Which implies you were going to say something else. So…isn’t it a lovely night? So…where should we go for dinner?”
“Is everything I say always going to be under the microscope?”
“That depends on how long you keep me around,” I teased.
“You already know my stance on that.”
“Yes, you’ll keep me around until you’ve had your fill of me. Very alpha male of you. But there will be no relationship and no marriage proposals. I’ve heard it enough to be sure I’m never mistaken,” I teased.
He cleared his throat uncomfortably. I wasn’t sure why. I was perfectly content sitting with him. “I just want to make sure we’re on the same page.”
“Of course we are.”
“Are you sure about that?” he asked, glancing over at me. “You seem…”
“What?”
“Like you’re not all there.”
“Oh, I assure you, I’m very much present in the moment.”
He glanced at me, shaking his head. “See, that’s the shit I’m talkingabout. You’re looking at me with these eyes that—and the way you’re taking this when just a few days ago, you couldn’t stop daydreaming about me.”
“Do you want me to stop that? Would that make you feel better?”
“Can you actually control it?” he asked skeptically.
“Well, I’m not sure, but I can try.”
“This is so fucked up,” he muttered. “I can’t believe I’m sitting in this truck with you, about to go eat Chinese food.”
I frowned at that. “Well, I did say you should get it on your own. I was perfectly willing to go by myself.”
“And how would you have gotten there?”
“Well…I could call a cab.”
“And spend more of your minuscule paycheck on a fucking cab?” he snapped.
“Why does it bother you what my paycheck is?”
“Why does it not bother you?”
“Oh, it does. But I’m curious why it bothers you.”
If I had hoped this night would be enjoyable, I was clearly mistaken. Everything I said angered him. I tried to keep an upbeat, positive attitude, but nothing made him happy. I got the feeling he wasn’t used to talking to females like this.
“Because you’re…late twenties?” I nodded. “And you still don’t have your life together. You go to school and drop out. You have no ambition. What the hell do you want out of life?” he practically shouted. “You spend all your fucking time daydreaming instead of actually doing something!”
Well, I had never heard my life summed up in such a harsh way, and frankly, I didn’t like it. “Edu, this may come as a bit of a shock to you considering who the words are coming from, but it’s none of your fucking business what I do with my life. As you put it, this is nothing more than sex. And when you’re through with me, that’s it. So, you don’t get to have an opinion on how I live my life or if I have any ambitions. Maybe my life isn’t what you deem fulfilling, but I could say the same for you. You willingly put your life on the line for others, yet you refuse to do the same for yourself. You’re going to walk through life without a care in the world. You won’t care about anyoneand no one other than your friends will care about you. And when you’re old and shitting yourself, no one will be there to wipe your ass except the nurse who’s paid to do it.”
I could have said more, but I seemed to run out of steam. I realized that for the first time in my life, I had said what I wanted when I wanted without worrying about the reaction I would get. I wasn’t sure why I felt so free and open with Edu, but if having him in my life helped me to gain the confidence I needed to stand up for myself, I would take it.
We were quiet the rest of the drive, and when we arrived at the restaurant, things were strained. Neither of us spoke other than to order our food. I sat in silence, devouring my food and putting away more than any man. I tended to overeat when I was stressed or angry. And right now, I was pissed as hell.
I paid my half of the check without any complaint, and when we left the restaurant, he didn’t try to help me up into the truck. The night was officially over. So, when we walked into the house, I didn’t ask about sleeping arrangements. I took the couch and pulled the blanket off the back, turning away from him immediately. I felt him watching me for a moment before stomping back to his room and slamming the door.
I flipped onto my back and stared up at the ceiling. Tears pricked my eyes, but I refused to let them fall. I may be half in love with the stupid man, but I would never allow myself to cry over him.