Page 17 of Rootbound
“Tait?”
My head jerks up and I realize that I’ve stopped walking. “Sorry—I spaced.”
“It’s okay, sweetie. It’s probably overwhelming being back here, too. I’m just glad that you finally are,” she says sympathetically.
Maybe it’s the exhaustion, the overwhelm, but the familiarity and earnestness has my nerves flaring again. The fact that everyone is being warm to me is utterly confounding.
“I’m sorry, but I need something to be clear, here: I came here to do a job. I have an author looking for inspiration for one of her stories—I’m not looking to add a chapter in mine. I’mgoodon all of that. I really appreciate the kindness, but we haven’t been family for over twenty years, LeighAnn, and I’m not looking to be now that it’s suddenly convenient for all of you.” I turn on a heel and start heading back to the cabin.
“Tait—wait. Will you wait, please?”
I stop and look at her.
“Tait, I understand what you must think—of all of us, I do. But Charlie made it explicitly clear that we needed to give you guys space. And with everything that happened, we just thought we were being respectful of the… situation.” Her hands flail while she speaks, a habit of mine, too. “I won’t say more than that, other than I don’t approve ofhis methods and have made that abundantly clear over the years. But the idiot had good intentions. He didn’t know how to navigate his way through by the time things got too far away from him, but it’s always been obvious to the rest of us that he’s never stopped thinking about you girls.”
And then I snap. “How? How has that been made obvious? What has he done? He writes the occasional letter—to Ava. We’ve had about three phone conversations since I was seven, and he came to see us zero times.” I make a zero shape on one hand for emphasis.
“Tait, your mother wouldn’t allow it.”
“My mother has been dead for over four years, LeighAnn. What about then? Couldn’t afford a plane ticket? What stopped him? Seems to me that he got so busy building a new, beautiful life for himself here that reconnecting with anything that reminded him that he tarnished the great Logan legacy just became too inconvenient for him.”
I can see her fighting to say more, but she doesn’t argue with me further. My chest is falling and rising with anger, swiftly followed by bitternessatthis anger. I don’t want it, damnit. I jerk my shoulders in a shrug, like I can shake off the heaviness.
LeighAnn lands on her words. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Just know that we all have suffered, even when we’ve triumphed. You’re young, but life, love… none of it is ever black or white, all good or evil. There’s always more to the picture,” she says.
This is nothing that I don’t already know. I had to realize that parents are people, too, at a much younger age than most. My mother wasn’tonlymy mother—that wasn’t the entirety of her identity. And her struggles made that part of her life more difficult. She was an addict, she wasangry, she was funny, she was sad, she was vain, she struggled with her insecurities. She just… struggled. And she never fully recovered from her heartbreak. I learned before the age of twelve that I would need to be responsible for my own life’s direction, and that I could love her without letting myself be dragged down, or blaming her for some missing components in my life.
Ava struggles more with her anger toward our mom. She’s always resented that Mom’s bitterness took precedence in our lives. I, on the other hand, hold tight to the knowledge that she wasthere,where Charlie was not. I find the good in our memories, adjust my mental exposure to them to enhance their colors where I can. My grandparents (her parents) weren’t around long after we came back, but I was able to make memories with them, too. We didn’t have some epic family dynamic in any aspect, good or bad. Sometimes, sure, Mom didn’t come home until morning, and once in a while she would be passed out on the couch—likely more from the exhaustion of being a single parent over anything substance-related. But she never hit us or screamed at us, she never subjected us to weird boyfriends. She also didn’t take much interest in what we were doing, but I think that’s part of what has made Ava and I self-reliant. I always thought that when we grew up, had babies… that then, maybe being a grandma would connect us in a new way, that we would get a chance to bond better. But, she died, and I never got the chance.
Charlie, on the other hand, never even tried.
“I just hope we’ll have the opportunity to get to know each other a bit,” she continues, softly. “And here’s the thing. You’re here anyway, right? I know it’s probably a bit brazen for me to say… but whatever comes of it, you’re not going to be able tocompartmentalize this entire trip, so you may as well dig in. Lord knows that Charlie will be a lot less pushy than me, so I just hope you’ll give him a chance,” she says, and turns to leave.
“LeighAnn…”
“Yes?”
“Does—does Charlie know that I’m here yet?” I ask.
“I’m not sure, sweetheart.”
“How old is Grady?” I decide to get as many of the barebones facts as I can, hoping not to be caught off guard again.
“He’s twenty-one, also,” she says. But I don’t miss the subtle change in her body language. She doesn’t care for being the one answering questions. Interesting.
“And they don’t have any other kids, then? Any othercousinsI should know about?”
At that, she folds her arms and closes off completely. After considering her reply, she says, “They don’t, no.”
Ah, so when I start to interrogate itisunwelcome, I see. Well, I’ll be damned if I’m going to be the one under the spotlight, here, the only one that has to answer for my choices.
“Okay. Please tell Grace and Grady thank you for the invite, but I’m exhausted and just want to catch up on sleep. I’ll head to the house after breakfast tomorrow to talk about the timeline and where to get started with work.”
“Sure thing. I’ll be back to do a real tour though, soon.” She offers me a sad smile before she heads to her car and on her way.
I head back into the house, collapse on the bed without even taking off my shoes, and fall asleep.
Ten