Page 4 of Rootbound
“Tait. Be serious. You know their names, their wives’ and girlfriends’ names, shit, probably even their dogs’ names, but do they knowanythingabout you?”
Le sigh.I was not prepared for this version of Ava this morning. Ilikeshining a light on others. Ilikehow I make other people feel: important. Ilikekeeping things light and without permanence right now. I chase these good and simple feelings.
And,okay sure, she might be right, I do avoid what I oncemayhave considered my type. However, there’s a real purpose behind that, too. I most likely only find that to be my type because I was with the same person for over ten years—most of which were my very formative years as far as all that is concerned. How do I know that’s what I’m even really into?
My ex-husband was my first and only love, but it went deeper than that. He, his family, our journey together—it created roots in me that I hadn’t otherwise had. Roots that were effectively ripped up. I am growing anew here… I amhappy.
So yes, I avoid the rugged, blue-collar men—the ones who come home dirty and have calluses. I find them to be too direct; they try to cut too quickly through the getting-to-know-you part, and elicit too strong a response for the comfort zone I’ve established. I also have a theory that they’re generally just more self-aware than is good for me. Istill need simple, uncomplicated distractions for a bit. Besides that, I have a sister, brother-in-law, and a nephew that I adore. I have a dream career. And I have had occasional sex in the last few years!I have!It’s not as if I have closed myself off to that entirely… Nothing to write home about in that department, which is why I’m not dying to hop back in the saddle. I just have no interest in a relationship in general, and I don’t feel the need to give more of myself away again—not when I know exactly how it feels for it to disappear in an instant.
No thanks.
Hard pass… Actually, it’s a bit sad howeasythe idea is to pass on.
I’ve worked hard enough to become whole again and happy, alone. I had the love story and the drama that came with it, and now I will happily choose to be the fun aunt who travels the world and has her own grand adventures. Life is whole enough. I’m no longer scared of loneliness. I’ve faced it and learned to enjoy my own company.
“Ave, I’ve got you guys.”
Still not feeling it, she won’t look at me. But she eventually relents and says, “I’m just really nursing this thing. It’s been a couple years since I had a good hangover, and I just have been thinking about some shit lately.” She pauses, darting her eyes to her plate as she pushes around a tot. “I got another letter from Dad which always brings out the worst, and I just want you to be happy because you deserve all the things—youdeserve love and everything with it. More thananyone else.”
Something about that last part doesn’t sit right with me. “Wait, what’s that supposed to mean?”
She gives me a quizzical look from behind her sunglasses. “Huh? Just what I said—that you deserve to be happy.”
“Yeah, but what do you mean, ‘more than anyone else’? More than who, exactly?”
She blows out a sigh. “I didn’t—I didn’t even mean anything by that. I didn’t want to bring this up at all. I wasn’t going to.” She puts her face in her hands. “Fuck my stupid, pickled brain.”
I raise an eyebrow at her and wait.
She takes a deep breath. “I did some social media stalking again…”
“Goddamn it, Ava. I told you to stop. I don’t even have any accounts besides my work page, which is work only, so I clearly don’t want to know.Youtold me to cut everything off. Why is ityouwho wants to know more?”
“I don’t know T, I’m sorry. I guess I think—well, maybe I hope to find out that he’s gotten fat or something.”
I know that’s not all of it. Not even close. But I understand to an extent. Cole was like a brother to her. We did grow up together through all those years. When our relationship ended abruptly, it effectively ended theirs as well, and just as much out of the blue.
That being said, the last time she did this it ended in complete disaster.…
She came across his wedding photos. It’d been a wine-soaked night at my place, and against my better judgment, I ended up scrolling with her. That was all that it had taken for me to learnmylesson… I would have hoped it did the same for her.
Cole and Alex (known by her friends as Allie) had their wedding in our—their—backyard, with all of our shared friends making up the bridal party. It was a small wedding by the looks of it. Perfect, really… The love radiated, almost cloyingly so, from the photos. Ava continues before I get the chance to tell her to stop, that I don’t want to know any more.
“Alex is pregnant.”
I manage not to pause this time.
“Of course she is, Ava. They’re married and happy and in an epic fucking love. Not some high school sweetheart kind of bullshit. They’re both fucking heroes. That’s the natural order of things, to have a baby next. So of course they are. I’m not shocked, and I am fine.”
The mimosa starts to turn on me and I reach for my ice water with a shaky hand.
Bubbles returns at that moment. “Ladies, are we ready to order? Ihighlyrecommend the lobster Benedict. Orrrrr the churro waffles! Orrrrr do we need another round before food?”
I want to bite out thatwedon’t need anything sincesheis not actually sitting withus,but I maintain composure and don’t dissolve into complete petulance.
“I actually will take the donut holes, the California omelette with the breakfast potatoes, and a side biscuit with gravy, please.”
“Great, two plates for that to share?”