Page 48 of Rootbound
“Our plan was to give Duane time, to stay a secret until the sting wouldn’t be as bad. But I knew… I knew how he looked at her. I knew it wouldn’t help. Your mom, though. She didn’t want to constantly live under the umbrella of being known as a cheater, or the one who broke Duane’s heart. We had every intention of doing things as right as we could so that we could have the best future together as possible. When we found out about you, our plan went to pot, obviously, and we needed to come clean.”
“Was Grandma awful to her?” I ask, unable to stop.
He looks at me quizzically. “No, not at all. Not then. But your grandmotherisa bear. She was determined to steer the whole family in a direction that she deemed fit, and she bulldozed everyone else. But she and Dad really never held it against her, or me for that matter. I think your mother couldn’t forgive herself, though, Tait. We married, and I needed to work, and to feel like I could provide, and could make her happy in this situation that I felt I put her in. Dadhad his first stroke right before you were born, and I ended up taking on more responsibility at the ranch, but your mom wasn’t having it. She was angry that I couldn’t go out and do something—anything—else, and that I didn’t want to. I should have listened to her, should have seen that she was starting to become truly unhappy here. I guess I was willfully ignorant.…”
He takes another deep breath, then looks over at me. “Do you remember anything about the split when it happened?” he asks.
“Not specifically. I remember Grandpa passing, living on the ranch for a little bit after that… then when we moved with Mom… she kept saying you would be coming soon.”
“Well… Your mom didn’t grow up in a volatile home or anything. Your grandparents were great people, but they also never fought, not even the good kinds of fights. They were passive aggressive at best. So, your momhatedfighting. I say that in the hopes that you understand all that came next. A part of me thinks that she didn’t feel like she had a choice other than to leave… that she wanted to force my hand, maybe?
“When I needed to take the ranch over, I needed time to figure out how to change things, and I did—I wanted to change it all so that I could make her happy, wanted to make it into a thriving business so that I wouldn’t be stuck running cattle and be gone all the time, never able to take vacations. I truly tried, Tait. But I got swallowed up in running the place and her fears probably all seemed like they were coming true. I didn’t know how to expand when I was drowning as it was. She asked me to move countless times. She wanted me to leave it to James and Duane to run. But James wouldn’t have changed anything, which means he would haveeventually forsaken work for fun, every time. Duane… Well, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to compete with him a little. I liked that this was mine, that it became my identity. It’s probably why I was throwing myself into it harder when he got involved. He came home from his big shot job and took an interest in investing in everything to help facilitate some of the changes we wanted to make.
“By the time things were starting to run smoothly, I had let Viv down in so many ways. I was already so sure that I had been too shitty to her to ever make up for it, and that is what she started to tell me. She never seemed happy when I was around, but was angry with me for being gone so much… And all the while she was pulling more than her share of weight at home and with you guys. But, suffice it to say—I just seemed to be the cause of her unhappiness, and it got easier to stay… away.
“Eventually, she had enough of not being one of my priorities. I thought that the work I was doing was to set us up—thereby making her my priority.” He stops here and seems to consider something for a while, his foot shaking anxiously.
“Is that when you met Grace?” I ask.
“It is. And while nothing happened until after the divorce, I realize now that I was having an emotional affair, even if Grace herself thought we were just friends. For that, I am sorry… No explanation justifies it.”
I nod, appreciating the blunt honesty.
“And then, everything else just happened. There was already so much distance that by the time she decided to physically distance herself, I didn’t have the fight in me, anymore.”
He sighs a few times,agitated, before continuing.
“So… yeah. When she ultimately decided to leave, I was… angry. And I wasn’t exactly helpful. I was angry at her and refused to beg her to stay, or to at least stay near—to help me stay close to you guys.
“And, when it became clear that neither of uscouldcompromise… she was afraid that the life she could give you guys wouldn’t compare to what we all had here, and she didn’twantto compete. I realize now that we were young and making our decisions based on us, and not you guys. I can’t tell you how much I regret that, or how sorry I am. Each time I did call, it seemed like it made it worse for you guys, too. By the time I grew up and pulled my head out of my ass and realized that years had passed, you really were happier without maintaining ties, it seemed.
“And, Tait… I need to be clear. I don’t feel like it is right for me to speak to her character when she’s not here. It seems too easy for me to say whatever I want to now, to make sense of it. So I won’t do that, and I won’t make excuses for myself. I thought I was doing the right thing by your mom, and I still don’t know what the right thing to do was. I can’t say that I wish I would have picked up and moved with our family when I had the chance, because I met Grace, and God, I love her, and don’t deserve that woman.…” I can see him struggling and bouncing around mentally, so I stay silent and wait for him to wrap it up.
He is looking at me, his eyes so similar to mine, but brighter and tear-filled, and I feel some of the anger in me deflate. Iknowhow easy it is to get lost in ourselves, even in a marriage. I know he’s leaving pieces out, but this feels like an honest start.
I can see how it might have been, between them, laid out before me. Charlie with his huge family, loud andboisterous, affectionate and playful, with a mass of history and tradition between them… and Mom, subdued, mercurial, with two similarly dispositioned parents but no other living relatives, and the quiet, suburban existence they led in comparison. I could see how itcouldbecome an insecurity, because I lived it. I just went the opposite direction and decided to brand myself onto Cole’s family, ignoring the less desirable history of my own. I trudged on, headfirst, and abandoned them all when I had something else to look forward to. I was a kid, sure, but I abandoned even the notion of wanting to reconnect with my family. It was born out of self-preservation, but I bore it nonetheless.
“I met your ex-husband, Cole. I’m sorry to hear that things didn’t work out with him…,” he says.
“What? When?” I ask, incredulous.
“At your mother’s service… I came to the church first and ran into him outside. I wasn’t planning to go in, was still in my car.”
“Why wouldn’t you come inside?” Something I’ve held on to with righteous anger is the fact that he didn’t bother to show up to Mom’s funeral. I’m having an internal crisis trying to process this information.
“Because I didn’t want that day to become about me. I wanted to give you girls the space to grieve… And I didn’t… This is going to sound juvenile, but I don’t know how else to put it. I didn’t want it toseemlike I was only there out of convenience or something. I didn’t want to show up and have you think I was going to pressure you for a relationship now that Viv wasn’t in the picture. I didn’t want that day to be about me.” He looks away, radiating shame.
“He—Cole—knocked on my window. He must haverecognized me or something because he introduced himself as my ‘daughter’s husband,’ and then asked me to respect your privacy. I told him I intended to, and that I would like to attend the burial as well, but would stay unseen. I waited until everyone was gone to say my goodbyes.”
I nod, not trusting my voice to speak, but wanting him to know I understood.
“I have probably recited this next part to myself a million times over the years, so I’d like to get it out now if you’re okay?” he says, and I nod again.
“When you were born, Tait, and when it came to you girls… it was like Vivien found what she was put on this earth to do. She was so enamored with you guys, amazed. We both were. But we stopped paying any mind to each other, except to hurt each other by what the other did or didn’t do. It’s really not a unique story, I know.” He takes a deep breath and looks at me nervously, like he’s approaching the part that he knows he’ll lose me on.
“Our marriage died the death of a thousand little cuts over time. I had to carry on this family legacy that I wasn’t ready for, that I knew she resented me for—but it was what I knew, and what Iwanted,I just didn’t have the balls to tell her. I was a selfish bastard, because I was so busy being wrapped up in myself that I didn’t make sure I prioritizedyou.” He takes a deep breath again.
“I think as parents, we think of our kids as a kind of extension of ourselves, and don’t realize that they are their own human people… at least not right away. I think your mother and I had become too wrapped up in our bitterness toward each other to see you guys there in front of us. But Viv desperately wanted a family that stayed together, and when we failed, she felt like she failed. I hated the idea ofmaking anything any harder for her, and yet I was so angry at her at the time. I know this sounds like a cop out, but I felt like I was giving her what she deserved when she asked for it, the chance to be the best mom she could be to you… because, when I did come around, or when I called, all I did was disappoint her and I could see it bleed into her other actions. And Tait, she was so amazing with you guys. When she asked for full custody, I felt I owed it to her. I was so stupid… I wasn’t considering what I owedyou.There’s no excuse for me allowing it to go on as long as I did. I should have tried harder foryou.”