Page 73 of Rootbound
“Honestly, I really wonder if telling anyone to ‘calm down’ has ever, in the history of the world, ever, actually been successful,” she spits.
What the—“Whoa, whoa. What the hell happened?”
“I gotta check on Ava. I need to go. I’m sorry. I’ll see you at the party in a little while.”
And with that, she bolts.
“Happy birthday,” I say to the closed door. “You know what? Nope. Fuck that.”
Pride be damned, my apron and I charge out the door after her.
“Hey!” I shout at her as she opens the truck door.
Back turned to me, I see her slowly duck her head between her shoulders, a turtle retreating into itself.
“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” I say to the adorable patch of bed head before me. She turns, then, and juts her chin up defiantly.
“I need to check on Ava.”
“And I understand that, but why are you being shitty to me?”
“I’m not being shitty!”
“You’re being shitty.”
“Henry, are you naked under that apron?”
“Stay on task, Tait.”
“I’m sorry I was shitty. I woke up, and I panicked.Yesterday came rushing back to me, and”—she starts to cry—“and you’re you, but I live in another state, Henry. I’ve done this before, this thing where it feels so wonderful so you just make it happen, where you forget yourself because you’re ready to throw everything you have at being with another person.”
“So you decided to pick a fight with me?”
“So I decided I needed to distance myself and stay away for a minute and breathe.”
I sigh, and I feel it down to my bones. “I’m not trying to suffocate you, Tait. In this particular moment, I’m trying to feed you breakfast and wish you a happy birthday. Can we have this conversation over cinnamon rolls?”
“You made cinnamon rolls? Naked?” she squeaks, and I nod. “Well, alright… since no one else can eat them, since that’s hardly sanitary.”
She eats slowly, gaze darting over to me self-consciously.
“Just spit it out, babe. I know you’ve got yourself backed deep into that head of yours again. It’s been a pretty crazy twenty-four so I’ll try not to hold it against you,” I tease, but she doesn’t return my smile.
She sets her cinnamon roll down with careful precision, and that’s when it occurs to me that maybe Ishouldbe worried, seeing she’s as worried as she is.
“When I got married, a big part of me chose Cole for the parts of him that I felt I were missing from me and my life. I fell in love with his family as much as him. I know that sounds childish, and maybe it was, but at the time it was what I was searching for. And I think—no, Iknow—that Iinternalized this feeling that I wasn’t bringing that to the table. He had good relationships as good examples for him his whole life, so he was probably right in most things when it came to us, right? I chose a career path that would have worked with supporting his, I became friends with his friends and their wives. I found a version of what I felt I was missing and fit myself into it. Followed him to school, made myself feel like no work. And I convinced myself I was better for it.
“It was only when he wanted to start having a family that I came to, that I decided I wanted something for myself, for no other reason besides just wanting it—not because it would change the world, or because it would make me rich, or because it would be good or sensible or even stable.
“So, I started photography. And he was supportive on the surface and all that, but changing my job was only one part of the fundamental change that I went through.” I take a deep breath.
“Now, I’m getting to know my family, getting to know myself again, and they’re warm and wonderful, and also… clearly very fucked up. This is all so messy. And you… Henry, I owe you for making me want to be open to this, and I’ll always be grateful. But don’t you see that you yourself do everythingforthem? You don’t owe them your entire life. Don’t you want something for yourself, too?”
I feel myself rear back. “Tait, we’ve gone through this. Look at how much I have to be grateful for. It’s obviouslyyouthat thinks that’s not enough.”
“I just… I think things can be great, that you can be grateful for your life, and you can still want something more for yourself. Not related to money, or even a job. But youguys are all plenty well off now—why haven’t you traveled anywhere?”
“I haven’t had time, Tait, I—”