Page 20 of Broken Saint
I’m no longer the woman who used to practice at least five times a week between classes and at home alone. I no longer have a body designed to twist up like a pretzel. Instead, it’s…broken. Ugly.
And that only becomes truer as I change in front of the full-length mirror in Letty’s guest room a few minutes later.
The last two days have been a reminder of how much I’ve been hiding away from reality, and I guess, temptation.
If I can’t look in a mirror, I can’t fall back into old habits.
Dragging my eyes from my reflection, I pull an old, oversized MKU t-shirt on and tie my hair back. I’m pretty sure I stole it from West before he moved to Chicago. But it’s been so long now that his comforting scent is gone, no matter how much I search for it when I lift the fabric to my nose.
With a heavy heart, I make my way back downstairs to find that Letty has unrolled two mats for us and has the TV on the deck loaded up with a class she’s selected.
I try to ignore the name of it.
Calming and gentle yoga for beginners.
“This okay?” she asks, watching me glare at the screen. “I thought starting slow would be good if you’re out of practice.”
“Yeah, it’ll be great.”
Walking to the center of the closest mat, I lower myself to the ground and try to fold my legs into half lotus. But I fail at the first hurdle, my leg pulling so much that my foot doesn’t get anywhere close to being in position.
“It’ll take time,” Letty says, watching me closely. “And today is the first day of your new chapter, El.”
She settles beside me, rests her hands on her knees and closes her eyes as the sound of nature and Kyan play out around us.
“Do you remember my first year at MKU?” she whispers.
“Of course.”
“You helped rebuild me from the ground up. Let me be here to do the same for you. That girl is still in there, Ella. You can find her again.”
With those words filling my ears, I focus on my body, trying to pay more attention to the things I can still do instead of what I can’t.
We only manage twenty minutes before Kyan gets bored of his building blocks and tries to join in with us, crawling between our downward dogs and attempting his own.
“Not quite as easy as it used to be, huh?” Letty says, sitting back on her heels to help Kyan instead.
“In more than a few ways,” I mutter to myself.
“This isn’t the end, El. It’s the beginning of something. Something you have the power to control,” she says hopefully.
She’s right, I know she is. But everything inside me is so conflicted. I want it. The new life, the happiness, the confidence I used to possess. But also…I’m fucking terrified.
What if she’s wrong? What if that girl doesn’t exist anymore?
“Do you mind if I go and lie down for a bit? Today has been…” I trail off, not really knowing where to start.
“Whatever you need, Ella.” She smiles at me as I awkwardly get up from the floor. I’m at the door, ready to escape inside when she speaks again. “You know what today is, right?” she asks hesitantly.
Sucking in a deep breath, I hang my head.
“Yes, I know.”
“Are you going to come?”
My heart begins to race, my stomach knotting up as a wave of panic rushes through me.
“You don’t have to decide now. We’ve got a few hours. I’ll make sure you have something to wear.” I take two more steps before she adds a little more. “I really think you should come, though. It’ll be like old times.”