Page 204 of Broken Saint
Her warmth is soothing, but it does nothing for the pain.
“I-I—” I stutter, unable to force the words I need to say from my throat.
Sucking in a deep breath, I steel myself to tell her the decision I’ve made.
“I need to go home.” The words are cold, hard, and hold zero conviction or strength. But despite how they sound, I know I’m doing the right thing.
Before all of this, I was ready for Seattle to be my new home.
But now, I want to be anywhere in the world that doesn’t remind me of him at every turn.
He is etched into every inch of this city. His face and number adorn more than a few billboards, but it’s more than that. It’s the place he loves, the place he always wanted to be.
It’s his home, and while I can’t bear to be here without being by his side, I also can’t be here when he doesn’t want me.
Our friends are family, and at some point, our worlds would collide again, and I know for a fact that I am not strong enough for that.
I thought the last time almost broke me. This time is coming dangerously close. But a third time? Hell no.
I might love him until my dying day, but I can’t keep doing this to myself.
“Mom and I are going to fly out tomorrow morning.”
Her breath catches at my confession.
“I’m sorry. I just…I can’t be here now.”
“But…but what if?—”
“Letty,” I interrupt, my voice finding a little strength. “He doesn’t want me,” I argue, predicting what she was going to say. “I can’t be here knowing that. It’s his home, not mine.”
She wants to argue; I can see it in her eyes when I finally summon enough courage to look over, but thankfully, she doesn’t.
I know all the reasons she wants to. I do. I want to be here with her and Kane, watching little Kyan grow up. I want to hang out with Peyton and Luca. I want to watch the guys succeed and stand beside my girls, cheering while it happens. But I can’t. Not without him.
“I don’t want you to go," she confesses. I try to hide the pain her words cause, but I don’t do a very good job.
“I’ll come back,” I promise, although, honestly, I’m not sure if it’s true.
How could I ever come back here now?
“We can come to you too,” she offers.
“Yeah,” I agree despite knowing the reality of that is slim. Their lives are crazy; even in the off-season, they won’t have much time to come and just hang out.
I’m fully aware that I’m about to go running back to Texas and return to my hermit lifestyle. At least this time I’ll be with Mom.
“We need to do something tonight,” she says.
“I’m not going out, Let. I can’t.” The thought of her dragging me to a restaurant makes me want to vomit right here on her couch.
“No, we won’t go out. Just have the guys here. Little food, few drinks. Send you off in style.” She smiles hopefully at me, but it doesn’t get anywhere close to making me feel that way.
I’m not sure I’ll ever feel hopeful again.
My final night in Seattle was depressing at best.
I was surrounded by people I loved, but nothing they could do or say could get through the thick layer of impenetrable ice that had formed around my heart.