Page 96 of Broken Saint

I chuckle. “I’m not a fool, El. I know it’ll be far from that. But—and I mean this in the nicest possible way—what do you have to lose right now?”

Tears pool in her eyes as shadows darken the honey color I love so much.

Fuck. I’m screwing this whole date thing up. I can’t make her cry in the restaurant before we’ve even had our entrées.

“What do you want next, Ella?” Her eyes drop from mine, and she focuses on her hands that are resting on top of the table, her finger drawing lines in the condensation on her glass. “Whatever it is, let us help. Let us be there to support you.”

The silence that falls around us is heavy, loaded with all the things that are going unsaid.The sounds of the restaurant fall away. So do the other people who are in here enjoying their meals. It’s just the two of us.

Just as it should be.

Say you want me. Say you want Seattle and a life here. With me.

The words dance on the tip of my tongue, but I don’t allow them to pass my lips.

From what she’s said, the last few years of her life have been controlled by a man. The last thing she needs is me telling her what to do. What I think she should do.

As much as I might want to protect her and point her in what I think is the right direction, she needs to figure all this out for herself.

It’s her future. Her life. It’s time for her to start taking it by the balls and find the happiness she deserves.

All I can do is hope that when she does, I’m a part of it.

Because as terrifying as embarking on something serious with her is, I’m not sure I’d be able to take it if she walked away now.

26

ELLA

What do I want next?

Isn’t that the question?

My head spins and my hand trembles as I finally wrap my fingers around my glass and lift it to my lips.

Drinking is probably a bad idea, especially when I’m sitting opposite Colt, but I couldn’t find the words to stop him from ordering it for me. I felt guilty as hell for it when he followed my order up with a glass of soda for himself. It’s just too easy to forget that his world is still turning as usual while my life implodes on itself.

I take a sip, letting the bubbles explode on my tongue, all the while hoping they might give me all the answers I crave.

But no clarity comes, just burning dark eyes boring into mine from across the table.

I know what he wants me to say. I can read it as clear as day in his expression.

But as much as I love it, I have a hard time believing it.

The only promise Colt has ever made me is that I can’t rely on him.

From the very first day we hooked up, he very clearly explained to me that he was only interested in having a bit of fun.He gave me an out. Told me that if I didn’t think I could handle walking away once we were done, then I was to turn my back on him right then and there.

But even all those years ago, before anything happened between us, and knowing that I was going to have my heart put through a meat grinder, I couldn’t have passed up the chance of being with him. And not just because he was a Panther. It was because he was him.

I wanted to give him everything, and have him do the same in return. But with that option off the table, I was willing to take whatever he would allow me to have.

I dreamed of this moment more often than I’m willing to admit.

All I ever wanted was for him to come to me and tell me that he was wrong. That he thought he only wanted free and easy sex with jersey chasers, but that it wasn’t enough. That he wanted more. Needed more. With me.

It was a dream that was always unfulfilled, and I thought I’d come to terms with that.